LETTER OF THE YEAR!

Greetings to you little cyber kitties in underpants!

I recently broke up with my girlfriend who is [gasp] French. In an effort to feel superior to the aforementioned Frenchie, I resorted to slamming her where it would hurt the most, which was, of course, in her Frenchness [which is located just below the knees for those of you who don't know]. The results of my Internet search changed my life forever...

I cannot express how pleasantly surprised I was to find KIU. Not only was that defaming anti-French rant brilliantly executed, but it was/is based on undisputable scientific and psycho-social truths. The French are absurd! The only area of disagreement comes from the statement that French girlies don't have sex. Oh, they do, believe me, they're a bunch of Little Miss Hot Pants, but during sex they are prone to behave "erratically". For example, in the throws of passion a French girl might make a statement like, "Don't touch my clitoris". Yes, too much information for your morally endowed readers, but the truth is out there... Of course, this girl was a lesbo so maybe there are discrepancies with sexual orientation. I trust Amanda's insight and research w/o question and merely offer this as a cultural comparative to represent the gay anti-French perspective.

"Oliver Twist vs. Tiny Tim" was gut-wrenchingly funny, as was the "Rewriting the Books of Love" piece. Brilliant, kittens, just brilliant. Just the right amount of cynicism and sharp wit to keep me coming back for more. And how wonderful to see ladies at the helm! Yeah!!! My friends are now sick of me forwarding KIU articles to them earmarked as "Urgent, must read" attachments.

I see that I am yet another KIU fan from Baltimore! I must start a local contingent immediately. I've got my underpants prepped and ready for action!

I'll be in touch again soon in a vein attempt to incorporate myself into the cynical humorous morpheous wonder that is KIU. I thought I'd give you fair warning and time enough to block my e-mail address....

Cheers,
lisa
I LOVE KIU!!!!!!

Lisa -
So brilliant was your missive - so full of depth, intelligence, general ranting, and perception - that we could not live with ourselves if we didn't ask you to....JOIN OUR STAFF! Come and be a kitten in underpants, Lisa; you're our kinda girl!
If you don't keep in touch, there will be tears before bedtime at KIU H.Q!!!!
With big kisses,
Your fans at Kittens in Underpants XXXX (PS: Your French ex-girlfriend is...MAD. Simply MAD. Not only did she clearly not appreciate your wisdom, wit and wonder, but anyone who says 'DON'T touch my clitoris' is clearly barking!)
Amanda

My attempt to see what "I hate the French" yields on Google came up trumps when it led me to your site.
Its great, and just the sort of self-indulgant reading an aspirant artist needs to console himself that he is actually an investment banker.
Particularly enjoyed the references to Sheffield's finest singer-songwriter.
I suppose there is not much chance I could become a contributor? Sadly all my best work relates to the role of defence expenditure in the post-war British economy.
Jody

This is exactly what we want, Jody! There isn't enough talk about the defence expenditure of post-war Britain on KIU, and you seem just the person to redress the balance! Thank you for your lovely email, and we are thrilled to see that Kittens in Underpants is now attracting a higher class of person.
Amanda x

hi Amanda,
Please could you tell me briefly (in 25 words or less) WHO IS MOLIERE ?!!!!!!!
Just intrested in you French guys......
Strange lot...
loren...

Hi, Loren -
Moliere (1622-1673) was a playwright, writing, producing and performing his own work, which he would then perform in front of his patron, Louis XIV, at the theatre the king had given him at Versailles. Moliere wrote comedies, Loren, and they're well funny. My favourite is 'Les Misanthrope'. Moliere had his own theatre company, which eventually became 'La Comedie Francaise' (which is a bit like The National Theatre Company, only French.) How many words was that? ATTENTION LOREN: We are NOT FRENCH! I'm sure you didn't mean to insult us in the manner, so we shall overlook it just this once. Anyway, thank you for writing with your interesting query.
Amanda

Imagine my pleasant surprise when I stumbled upon your mag one day while looking for something to take me away from my insanely boring job. Amanda and Caitlyn, you are the two that especially inspired me... So inspired am I that I would like to write for your lovely publication. I am an American female who would rather be living in Venice, Italy than in Battle Creek, Michigan (where I currently reside), but will have to settle for Denver, Colorado (where I will move in July 2003) until I can get my husband on a plane going over the ocean. I generally have nothing of importance to say, but I tend to say it anyway. I'm secretly in love with Amanda and wish desperately to read Fab!
~Jacinda

Jacinda, of COURSE you must write for KIU! Your email has demonstrated your excellent taste, your 'savoir faire' and (above all) your incredible 'common sense'. Obviously, I am secretly in love with you, too, which is why we INSIST that you join us at Kittens in Underpants! Good luck with your move to Colorado, and Venice will always be there (well, actually....it probably WON'T be....it's sinking, isn't it, so you'd better get yourself and Mr Jacinda on a plane to Bella Italia A.S.A.P! With kittenish kisses,
Amanda (and Caitlyn and the rest of the KIU team.)

I found your site by chance and read it with disgust. Who do you people think you are? You think you're so clever but you're just a bunch of smart-assed idiots who think they know it all.
GET A LIFE.

Ouff! Well, THAT was a bit forceful, wasn't it. In saying that, he DID sort of sum us up quite well ('a bunch of smart-assed idiots who think they know it all'), yet his pleas that we 'get a life' will obviously go unheeded; we have done very well without getting a life so far, and therefore see no reason to acquire one now. We are perpetually foetal.
THANK YOU.

Hi Amanda,
I will check out your site!
Peace and Love,
Uri

Dear Uri,
We at Kittens in Underpants cannot wait for the moment when Jupiter aligns with Mars and URI GELLER visits our website! I saw on a recent television documentary that you write all your emails whilst pedalling wildly on your stationary exercise bike. With this in mind, I think that your message to KIU probably added another good fifteen seconds to your cardiovascular life-span, and we are very pleased to help; the longer the world has Uri Geller the better. When you 'check out' our site, please do not make our PCs go all bendy; we need them in good working order to continue to bring our Gift to Mankind - the Net's HIPPEST online magazine and culture junction.
Yes! Love and peace to you, too, Uri - and keep up the good work!
Amanda.

ATTENTION: THE ABOVE WAS A GENUINE EMAIL FROM MR. URI GELLER (UNLIKE THE EMAILS FROM RALPH FIENNES, ROBBIE WILLIAMS AND RICHARD BRANSON WHICH APPEAR ON THIS BOARD: WE MADE THOSE UP.)

07766450627

Why do you keep sending your phone number to the KIU message board, Danny?! I TOLD you; we don't phone English mobiles 'cause they're too expensive! Score a LANDLINE!

The French are from Hell!
I Somehow ended up in your "underpants" site..... very interesting reminds me of the canadian site http://www.halfempty.com If you ever need info on the view from a barstool in Fells Point (Baltimore), Maryland I am your man.
Cheers, David Bell

Hello, David -
Indeed, the French ARE from Hell. Well spotted. Thank you for your interesting missive, and indeed, should we ever need commentary upon the hostelry situation in Baltimore, we shall not hesitate to seek your council.
Keep ringing, Mr Bell - The KIU Team.

Dear Mrs C,
I read your Osama bin Laden conspiracy theory in awe and not a little wonder. Suddenly, it 'all made sense'. You are clearly one of those people (like Uri Geller) who are able to 'think outside the box', arriving at conclusions which are so obvious that it is a wonder that nobody else didn't think of them AGES ago.
Tell me, Mrs C, do you have any other 'conspiracy theories' that we might hope to read on KIU?
Sincerely,
"Agent Mulder" (I don't wanna put my real name, but THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!)

Agent Mulder,
I am so pleased to hear that you see the truth in my Osama bin Landen theory. I am a bit pyshic and although in the past I have used this only on my family and close friends, I have been expanding my 'range.' As I am able to sense the truth, I feel it is now necessary for me to use it for the greater good. I am currently working on a theory dealing with the Elizabeth Smart disappearance in Utah, and I am hoping to share this with the KIU community soon. All the best, Mrs. C.

Love the site but what's it all about?
Neil

We're not sure, Neil - but we're ever so glad that you like it!

In a world gone mad the new KIU site is more than a rabbit hole or velvet gold mine, it is a fur-lined chute with roller coaster access for creative beings to join the great cosmic orgasm and swim on the crowded amniotic autobahn toward Nirvana.

Evolution has blessed KIU with powerful swimming instinct, unlike, and very different from, wiggling pansy far right nuts, religious fanatics, political crusaders and war mongers with their preemptive strikes and incursions and racism and homophobia and bigotry and imperial mullahs and bushy presidents, Hut-n-tuts and Republicans, Tories and socialism and feudalism and sexism and all the millions of other isms of inferior jizms that make up the obligatory sludge that must be swum through to prove KIU's fecundity.

Pierre and Amanda and Caitlyn have changed the odds. Now, for every slaughter of innocence in this race through the primal muck there will now be scores of KIU in the stream inspiring alternative routes and visions and possibilities with their writing and signing and dancing and designing and making music and poems and paintings about truth and what is true and if it isn¹t true then at least its funny because humor is the critical spermal nucleus needed to fertilize the great cosmic egg.

And when that egg is enjoined and matures and the human species is finally born into its destiny it will be surrounded by legions of Kittens In Underpants as far as the eye can see.

So dive brothers and sisters, dive into that chute, make your best work to swim long and hard and swift through that poison sludge, for if our species is to survive it will be because KIU, paw in paw, one and all, united their talents and > saveed the known universe.

Yours In Underpants,
Arcsofethos

Arc...WHAT a message! Do you wanna be 'on staff'? You're the kind of caper that kittens crave!

Finally. Someone to unravel those Shakespeare plots. Thanks KIU.
C.H.

Glad you enjoy the series, C.H, and you can look forward to more on the Bard in the future.
Caitlyn.

Amanda,
I was just reading about your top movies and I couldn't help noticing a very bizarre trend. Two of your favorite films happen to be Planet of the Apes and Charade. Mark Walhberg starred in a 2001 remake of Planet of the Apes, and is starring in a remake of Charade set for release this autumn. Is this merely coincidence - OR - is Mark Walhberg another one of your celebrity stalkers out to win your approval via the medium of film? -Vincent.

Sadly, Vincent, it is the latter (and very well spotted!) Although I have persistently told Mr Walhberg that my romantic interests lie elsewhere, he insists on a continuous courting ritual by which he stars in remakes of my favourite films. Rumour has it that he is currently enduring some kind of 'feeding frenzy' in the hopes of tubbying up to play the Lynn Redgrave role in the remake of Georgy Girl. He is, however, gaining in vain; I am not interested in Mr Walhberg, and the matter is currently in the hands of my legal advisors. Many thanks for your concern, Vincent; it has been duly noted.

I am WILDLY in love with Caitlyn and Amanda! Do you two gals ever get it on with each other?
Anon.

Thank you. Everyone likes to hear that someone loves them, and while Amanda and Caitlyn are close friends, we're afraid that any girl-on-girl action between them will only occur in your dreams (or if you pay them obscene amounts of money, which - considering you are operating from a freebie Yahoo account - you probably don't have.)

My wife and went to your very lovely country (England) during the mid 1980s up to 1993. So, to you all, I bid you adieu from my home here in sunny (?) California about an hour and a half drive south of San Francisco. One last thing, if anyone see a cute bear just sitting there, deep in though give him a big hug. Oh my gosh, I nearly forgot to put in his newly acquired address; Paddington Station.
Gary

Gary, thank you so much for checking out our site and leaving your un-bear-ably nice message. However, KIU is not just English based; our writers are based throughout the world (although we have yet to find someone from 'darkest Peru'.) All best, The KIU Team.

Is it true that Kittens in Underpants has been threatened with a law suit for defamation of character, as well as pain and suffering due to comments Caitlyn made in one of her articles?

News spreads fast. At present, we are unable to comment upon the various legal proceeding currently being discussed, suffice it to say that Kittens in Underpants is - and will always be - at the vanguard of The Truth. We are currently taking no steps to rectify this matter, nor do we intend to. We have, however, posted Non-Disclaimers in the 'Foe' section of KIU in the hopes that making our mission known will deter certain people from wasting valuable KIU time in the future with their petty complaints and demands. KIU is not a 'student newspaper'; it is a privately owned and operated journal of hipness and fab, pop culture.

Lookin' good, Mrs. Hallay. I look forward to checking in regularly. Sunny Day is brilliant, of course.
Love, Steve

Thank you, Steve, for your kind words. I shall of course pass on your message of good will and mindless praise to Sunny. She will be thrilled. And don't forget - we post new things everyday on KIU, so don't forget to make Kittens in Underpants your first cyber stop every morning!

'Love ya for reminding people to ALWAYS spay & NEVER EVER de-claw! DR. BOB........YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!
Ginger, in Queens NY

Dis be Dr Bob of da Kingston Masses, sendin' out a bit a' reggae and a puff of me hoom-groon to a very special little lady wot be called GINGER. Respect! Ginger, you be UPTOON, TOP RANKIN'. If you ever want to come to me island (Jamaica, mon) and chill wid me n' me Poison Floowah, you be MOOST welcome (me always got a place for a cheeky little lady.)
RESPECT TO DA GINGER! (Uptoom. Jah.)

Hi Caitlyn! I move into my new apartment in Brookline, MA tomorrow and now I have a lovely new site to use for procrastination purposes instead of reading legal cases.
Yay! XOXO Kristina

Hej Kristina! While I am thrilled that you like the site, don't let your studies slide because of KIU. Kittens in Underpants is certain to get into some legal trouble eventually, and we will need a good lawyer to get us out of it. Good luck and work hard. Love, Caitlyn.

Fab!! Fabber!! Fabbiest!!! Greetings to all you kits in undies --we love your web-site -- it has been dullsville on this side of the big pond -- by now the whole world can guess you are euro kittens --the grooviest --pardon the old fashioned comments but that's us.
Much love from tillie and the gang Dogs in Drawers, U.S.A.

Deer Tillie and Gang! This iz LANCELOT, wot is writin' to tell you that you iz me TOTAL CANINE HEROES, and I iz HONORED that you vizited MY website! FANKS and SMUDGE KISSES, LANCELOT.

Hello Kittensinderpants.com Webmaster!!! I glanced at your website. Congratulations!!! Cathy

Merci.

I know this may sound like madness, but there's something about this site that for me is so deliciously nymphetish, so dreamily childish and yet containing a kind of eerie vulgarity, that I believe even the Master (R.P.) himself could get into it.
H. H. Jr. (working on the future site www.iloveromanpolanskimovies.com)

Yes, it does sound like madness (although we do like being described as 'delicious nymphets' who are 'eerie vulgar'. All good stuff! Good luck with your site, and don't forget to link to us when it's up and running (and for God's Sake, either COOK that rabbit or throw it in the bin!)

I missed several deadlines and was summarily dismissed from my employment of many years just because I couldn't extricate myself from a site about juvenile felines in undergarments. Oh the shame, and a pox upon Amanda, the internet siren who lured me here. OK...just kitting.
A Celt not necessarily named Peter. PeterTheCelt

You may indeed be 'kidding', Peter - but we all know that those who think they can simply walk away from the magnet clutch of KIU are only kidding themselves. We have noticed that handsome, urbane, intelligent and charming men are particularly susceptible to the kittenish charms of the Underpant People. Your message, Peter, is testimony to this. Thank you for writing!

I am King hear me Roar...    "Meow"
TheK1ng0fw1sdOm

Thank you, KingofWisdom. We like your roar!

Amanda!! Help! I'm lost in this site, and can't get out!
Becky

Becky, once you enter the World of KIU, it is - indeed - impossible to escape! You are a very welcome prisoner! Thanks for coming!

Amanda,
I've just spent an hour in your wonderful website -- at least 15 minutes of which I was totally disabled with uproarious laughter! I'm not even a quarter of the way through it, but after reading The Sixth (and Seventh) Beatle, I had to stop and come up for air, so I thought I'd drop you a note to say thanks for posting it -- it really made my day! I can't wait to show it to David!!
: )Claudia
PS -- Tell your moggies I'm a huge fan -- and give them both a skritch or two under the chin from me!!

Claudia, what a wonderful message to greet the launch of KIU! Lancelot and Serge are thrilled to have such a smart admirer. You have made our day with your lovely letter. Thank you!

love this website! Its going to take me days to look at everything! Great work!
Love Always,
Jenny
Visit Jenny's World!

Jenny, you are a total star and an honorary Kitten in Underpants!

Dear Peach,
Just spent the best part of the afternoon cruiz'in around KIU and I had to write and compliment you on both design and content of the site! Truly Unique!!!
Keep up the good work!
Love to the team,
Gainsbourg

Gainsbourg. I just don't know what to say, apart from 'Thanks', and that I'm glad you're enjoying the site. Take care. Peachy (Pierre). Webmaster.

BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
-an obsessed fan

Thank you, Obsessed Fan, for your words of wisdom!

Dear Kittens in Underpants,
Great site full of interesting features. Extremely witty and urbane. Bravo.
Ken (Parkhurst Maximum Security Prison.)

Glad you liked the site, Ken. Keep up with the Meds, and I hope your parole comes through soon.

Dear KIU (esp. CAILTYN)
Wicked! Top site, great stuff, loved it! Caitlyn's stuff is especially good, and she's a real looker to boot. GREAT STUFF! Big yourselves up!
Robbie Williams

Dear Robbie,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support of KIU. It means a lot to me that an entertainer I admire and respect very much enjoys my work.
Love, Caitlyn. P.S. I think you're quite the looker as well.

Dear Amanda,
Never before have I encountered such a delicate literary hand, the charm of your prose rivalled only by your remarkable good looks.
Let's do lunch,
Ralph Fiennes

Many thanks, Ralph, but I am far too busy keeping Kittens in Underpants in its rightful place as The Net's HIPPEST Online Journal and Culture junction to 'do lunch'. And please can you stop sending personal emails to me, else I will be forced to take the matter up with my ISP. Thank you.

DEAR KIU
THAT SHORT STORY BY M.S HOLLAND WAS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
A FAN

As Caitlyn and Amanda are such slave-drivers, we are keeping MS Holland far to busy with his brilliant writing to respond to you in person, 'Fan', but I know he was glad to hear his work was being read and enjoyed by someone so wise.

Dear Webmaster,
Having happened upon KIU, I was struck by the fabulously 'happening' design of the site, the ease of navigation and the general sense of 'hip'. You are a genius.
Richard Branson

Cheers. Pierre.