LANCELOT HALÉ

Me first! Me first! I iz a brown, gay tabby wiff massive ears and horrible breath. I iz ten or sumfink. Dunno. Me n’ me bruv (wot is TOTAL RUBBISH) iz a bit like The Krays – only we iz a bit tuffer.

Me interests include eating, playin’ wiff me cork, doing ‘flips’ and causing aggro.

I iz currently engaged to Russell Crowe (he iz OBSESSED wiff me!), and before that, I wuz engaged to Ricky Martin, but I ‘ad to fuck him off cuz he got too obsessed wiff me.

Me n’ Serge wuz born in LIVERPOOL in 1992, where we wuz found abandoned in a shed when we wuz three weeks old. When we wuz six weeks old, me Ma n’ Pa (bofe iz TOTAL RUBBISH) adopted us. ‘Lancey, if you wuz off Liverpool, how come you got a Cockney accent?’ Dunno. (Fuck off.)

Politically, I iz ‘Hard Right’, and fink that all cats should have the right to carry firearms.

I iz also an expert at everfink; me n’ bruv are usually to be found at epicentre of all great cultural movements, and although people say we’re a rotten pair a’ liars….They can fuck off. We’ve got PROOF!

It iz true that I iz ‘Out and Proud’, but that don’t mean that any gay-boys out there can just email me, cuz I ain’t interested; I’ve got enuff on me plate wiff Russell Crowe. However, if you want to SEND ME STUFF (like FUDE!) then I might giff you a smudge-kiss. Dunno.

Me look? It’s classic brown tabby wiff a ‘Disney’ charm to me oversized head. I’ve got a white chest, which is VERY RARE IN A BROWN TABBY.

FAVE FILM

Born Free (‘bout a massive cat wot don’t want to wear a collar, and at the end, he don’t ‘ave to.)

FAVE MUSICAL

Cats (massively brilliant!)

FAVE MUSIC

Boys Bands and Cat Stevens.

RELIGION

Church of England (but I ain’t practisin’ at the moment.)

ME HOBBIES

Bein’ on me bean bag, doing ‘flips’ and (most of all ) EATIN’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (GIFF ME FUDE!!!!!!!!!)

FAVE FOOD

‘SASHA’ and HAM (GIFF ME SUM!!!!!!!!!)

LATEST NEWS...

Tarantino wants me, but I’ve also been offered a part in a new U.S sitcom starring Tony Danza and Heather Locklear (Catch That Cat!)
Hang about; me TOTAL RUBBISH BRUVER WANTS A WORD….

SERGE HALÉ

Bonjour, mes amis. This is Serge, a petite bonhomme with a taste for the finer things in life. As you will see, I have little if nothing at all in common with that ignoramous purporting to me my brother.

Having based myself exclusively on the great Roger Moore, I am something of a charmer and ‘bon viveur’. An expert at kissing and the ‘arts of love’, I know how to use my cuteness as the ultimate weapon in the quest for strokes.

Politically, I veer to the left; I am a card carrying Communist and member of the U.F.A (Union for Feline Pampering.)

My look? The classic ‘tuxie’, my fur has been described as ‘the softest thing known to man’. This is true. I have often been told I look like a toy, which I think is indicitive of my very high level of cuteness.

Favourite Author

Dostoevsky.

Favourite Film

Anything by Truffaut or Godard (they were masters of their craft.)

Favourite Music

Ah. My tastes are eclectic, but I must confess a particular fondness for my namesake, Serge Gainsbourg.

Religion

I am half Jewish, half Moslem, and therefore see myself as something of an ‘ambassador of goodwill’.

Favourite Food

Something of a ‘gourmand’, my tastes run to the exotic; cous-cous, curry and beans are amongst my favourites, although I do share a penchant for crab sticks with my brother, and am hopelessly addicted to Chuppa Chup lollies (but only the strawberry and cream flavoured.)

LATEST NEWS...

The National Theatre have expressed an interest in using me in their upcoming Chekov, but I have also been offered the lead role in an up and coming BBC costume drama. Pride and Purrjudice tells the story of two 19th century gentleman (played by Colin Firth and Ralph Fiennes) who find their childhood friendship under jeopardy when they both claim ownership of a charismatic tuxie (‘Mr Arsey’ – as played by me.)

As International Cult Figures, LANCELOT and SERGE would like to send the following important message to their fan base;

ALWAYS SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR CATS, and NEVER (EVER!) DECLAW!

Support your local Humane Society (U.S) and The Cat’s Protection League and RSPCA (U.K).