Apollonia

by Aengus Kelly

THE PATRON SAINT SITUATION

e live in troubled times. Recent socio-economic, and psychic, changes have started to affect all lovers of kittens in underwear generally. It is too early to start talking about a conspiracy [see next month]. It is however, a perfect time to start talking about the certain factors which are making a tangible impact on our kittenhood. I am worried about the welfare of KIU. I can’t give you hard scientific data or clever whys and wherefores. All I have to offer is my own anecdotal evidence of the rise of certain sinister forces among us, forces threatening both kittens and underpants. I would ask you to consider what would have happened if I had been believed the last time. Back in 1986, I contacted the members of the press in Dublin, to tell them that I had a “funny feeling” something was about to happen to the statues of the Blessed Virgin Mary (BVM) in Ballinspittle. The guy on the other end of the phone didn’t even wait to finish his mouthful of sandwich before hanging up on me. I was disregarded. “Does your Ma know you’re calling long-distance, little man?” he said. And what happened? BVM came up trumps, but the world’s press missed out. How many of you even heard of the whole “moving statues” phenomenon? We can’t let petty cynicism prevent us from properly protecting our beloved KIU. I am going to offer you the fruits of my careful observation, and the simple plan to put things right.

Workshop of Piero della Francesca
Saint Apollonia, before 1470
Samuel H. Kress Collection
1952.5.19

THE EVIDENCE THAT SOMETHING IS AMISS:

1) The price of cat-food has soared recently in shops across the country as the stock market becomes edgy over the Gulf situation. KIU obviously would be the last to recommend hoarding or bulk-buying of your kitten’s favourite brand, but I would like to suggest: be prepared.

2) Dogs are getting friskier;

3) You can never trust the French;

4) There is a rise in so-called “allergies” to kitten-fluff;

5) Underpants are in a sad decline;

6) I have a funny feeling.

WHAT WE NEED AT KIU:

We clearly need a protector. We need someone, preferably with supernatural powers or access to them, who will look kindly on us, and intercede on our behalf. Who better than a patron saint? We need a figure to watch over KIU, who has an emotional bond to KIU, who cares about the things that KIU cares about, and most importantly, who represents the ideals and strengths of KIU. This figure must be:

vA paragon of feminine beauty
vA lover of kittens
vA wearer of underpants
vAn appreciator of fine art
vSomeone we will love unreservedly
vSomeone who will appeal to Cathars and non-Cathars alike

THE ANSWER: Saint Apollonia

Apollonia: the key facts

Cats: Apollonia was born in Alexandria, Egypt, in the third century A.D. Alexandria was, as everyone knows, a cat-lover’s paradise. The Egyptians maintained their feline devotion in defiance of their Roman masters. There were even discriminatory laws against “any beast that doth barke”, and kittens were prized above all, for their playfulness and small size. At that time in Alexandria, there was a cult of miniaturisation (as seen in today’s Japan), and kittens were king. Legend has it that young Apollonia tried to learn cat-language as a girl, and would often purr instead of smiling to demonstrate happiness. She also acquired a wide reputation for prettiness.

Multi-ethnic background, good pedigree: She was the daughter of a “heathen magistrate”. Her mother, also a heathen, had accidentally prayed to the BVM to send her a baby. BVM saw the potential for a conversion, and lo, Apollonia was born. Her mother then went a little over-the-top, having her baptized by St.Leonine, and becoming a disciple of St.Anthony. It was inevitable that our girl would start preaching the Word in a variety of fabulous Egyptian outfits. Apollonia always looked chic. It is thought that what became known in the underpant industry as the “Apollonian design” was the early Mediterranean version of the Y-front.

Beauty and grace: Unfortunately, in 249 A.D. the Romans, who never quite matched the style of the Egyptians, decided to start persecuting a few of the gabbers on the Alexandria circuit. Apollonia’s dastardly father, being a magistrate, decided to give his daughter up to the governor for judgement. He just couldn’t handle a strong woman. She was told to recant and pray before a heathen image, but she refused, choosing instead to cast a demon out of it. The governor ordered all her teeth to be broken and extracted one by one until she changed her mind. In the most striking example of strong-woman-ness, she held her head high until she was toothless. Then they battered her face. Still she refused to renounce her beliefs. Instead, her beautiful face now bruised and gummy, she started preaching again. As the soldiers leapt forward to silence her, she jumped onto a fire and burned to death, praying that by her suffering she would relieve the distress of those suffering toothaches, and those who accidentally bite into tinfoil and pieces of grit.

The fine art legacy: Today, St.Apollonia is remembered in daily prayer by dentists worldwide, as the Patron Saint of Toothaches. She is also remembered by many for her beauty, her grace under pressure, and as the inspiration for artists throughout the centuries [ Andy Warhol, the school of Pierro della Francesca 1470 (NGA, Wash. D.C), Carlo Dolci 1670 (Corsini Gallery, Rome) to name a few].