hristmas. For some, it means donning a paper hat, cracking open a litre tub of Cadbury’s Heroes,  pouring a festive glass of Fosters (if male) or ‘Irish Mist’ (if otherwise) and snuggling up in front of the telly to watch an omnibus edition of Eastenders, Coronation Street and/or Brookside. 

This is a good way to spend Christmas.

It’s just not my way of spending Christmas.

Me and mine, we go Medieval during the holiday season, immersing ourselves in the past with the fury of Simon Schama, the multi-coloured commercialism of Rowntree ‘selection packs’ and Bacardi Breezers a long way from the 13^th Century ambience we try to create. People complain that Christmas is ‘too commercial’ and ‘too tacky’.  This is sadly true if you go for a ‘contemporary’ Christmas.  But if you leap back nine hundred years, you’ll find yourself with a Christmas full of class, the simpler pleasures of the Middle Ages reminding one that one doesn’t have to throw themselves ‘round Kwik-Save on Christmas Eve in order to have a bloody good day!

Having a Medieval Christmas is easier than you think; simply follow my step-by-step guide, and you won’t go far wrong.

Ready? Good – cuz I’m gonna get Medieval on your asses!

Contrary to popular belief, the Victorians did not ‘invent’ Christmas.  In the Middle Ages, the two week period from Christmas Eve to Twelfth Night (January 6^th) was a time of continued feasting, parties and gift-giving (more generous lords would bestow second-hand clothing to their serfs and allow them extra firewood during this period!).  To go Medieval is to be truly Christmassy – so forget your cutesy Victorian shit and plough into the Middle Ages!

First of all, you need to prepare your home, creating a suitably Medieval atmosphere.

Yes – you may have a tree. Although Christmas trees as we know them weren’t introduced until the 19^th century, Medieval homes were decked with holly, mistletoe and ivy. Do likewise.  But please, no Santas.

Candles are of course essential.  Light as many as you can, and don’t worry about keeping them out of the reach of children.  Medieval homes were full of burning kids, and little accidents will only add to the authentic atmosphere you are creating.  DO NOT USE ANY FORM OF ELECTRIC LIGHTING. It will absolutely ruin the effect.

Fires are of course the quintessence of anything Medieval, and Christmas saw the introduction of the Yule Log, a massive piece of wood which was kept burning throughout the festive period.  If you don’t have a working fire but a fireplace, fill it with dozens of church candles to give a blazing effect.  If you don’t have a fireplace at all, ‘invent’ one by placing aforementioned ‘dozens of church candles’ on a heatproof tray. Believe it or not, it’s very effective.

Scent is very important for your Medieval Christmas, and whilst many smells in the Middle Ages were not pleasant (shit, primarily), our 13^th Century ancestors tried to counterbalance the smell of human faeces with cinnamon, cloves, ginger and (if they were lucky) oranges and spices.  A particularly Medieval scent can be found at Marks and Spencers (‘Festive Spice’), and Laura Ashley Home does a pricey – but exquisite – spray and candle called ‘Winter Fruit’.  Culpepper’s ‘Noel’ range is also very ‘returning Crusader’. Shop around, or indeed, make your own.

Music is essential, and whilst we all like Slade, Wizzard and Band Aid, I’m afraid that we’ll  have to eschew them in favour of some truly Medieval (yet equally festive) fare.

For the uninitiated, I suggest going to HMV, Virgin or Amazon.com and asking for Medieval Christmas music (on Amazon, type in keyword: Medieval Christmas.) There’s loads of it out there, dozens of ‘Medieval Christmas’ C.Ds; you’re sure to find something nice. 

For the connoisseur: The Dufay Collective’s ‘Miracles’ and/or the Carmina Burana make for festive listening, and of course – we’ve got our good old Gregorian Chants to fall back on.

Because we’re fortunate enough to live in the 21^st Century, preparing a day of Medieval feasting is relatively easy and involves no hunting.

Breakfast may be considered the most important meal of the day, but things weren’t so in the Middle Ages.  If people had breakfast at all, it was simply a chunk of bread dipped in watered-down wine.  However, we live in the 21^st Century!  So start your Medieval Christmas day with mulled wine and stollen. Stollen dates bake to 13^th Century Saxony, and mulled wine is now available ready bottled; just put it in the microwave.  If you want to mull your own wine, here’s a good recipe:

Mulled Wine Recipe

v2 lemons
v2 oranges
v1 - 750 ml bottle of medium, to full, bodied red wine
vNutmeg (to taste)
vCloves (to taste)
v1 oz brandy or Cognac (or to taste)
v1 cup (250 ml) granulated sugar (optional)
vWater (optional softener)
v4 large cinnamon sticks
 

Instructions for making four large portions

vCut lemons and oranges into slices.
vPour the red wine into saucepan and gradually heat.
vAdd fruit slices, nutmeg, cloves and brandy.
vKeep an eye on the mixture and wait until it becomes hot to the touch.
vAt this point you could blend in sugar or water (if desired).
vGarnish with cinnamon stick.

YOU CAN PRE-MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND HEAT IN MICROWAVE IF YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED STANDING OVER A STOVE.

If in the south of the U.K, Waitrose does an excellent bottled mulled wine for £2:99 a bottle, and every supermarket chain and herbalist (ie; Culpeppers, Neal’s Yard) sell mulled wine sachets which you simply add to the wine whilst it heats.

After breakfast, you can open your presents.  “Oh, Amanda,” I hear you cry. “You’ve let yourself down. Christmas presents surely aren’t a Medieval tradition.”  Actually, the giving of gifts during what we now term the ‘holiday season’ has a long tradition, dating back to Early Christianity in Rome, and Medieval legend has it that the infant Christ himself gave out gifts (the words ‘Kris Kringle’ actually means ‘Christ child’).  Gifts were usually handed out at New Year, and were humble affairs;  fruit, nuts, honey-cake (to ‘sweeten winter’) and holly. On Christmas Day, it was traditional for serfs to visit the castle or grand house they served and receive their annual Christmas treat; a spiced bun.  Hope you fare a bit better!

Not only are we travelling through time, we’re travelling through space; for lunch, we’re heading East, to 12^th Century Jerusalem.  Returning Crusaders raved about Persian cuisine, and for lunch, we’re keeping things light with stuffed grape leaves, a selection of olives, and fresh figs. Just pop along to your local deli, see what’s on offer, and ask yourself this key question: Did Henry Plantagenet eat this?  If the answer is ‘no’, don’t buy it!

The Middle Ages were rife with games – but as they all seem to involve wooden pegs, I’m giving them a miss.  Chess, of course, was a big Medieval favourite, as were drafts and backgammon, which were brought back to Europe by the Crusaders.  Not into board games? Then why not write a Mystery Play? Performed by travelling players, the Medieval Mystery Play was the only show-biz around, and were so long that writing one will eat up most of your afternoon.  Basically, you can re-write any story you like in the Mystery Play genre; just so long as your story begins at the dawn of time with God creating the earth and then works slowly forward through Adam and Eve, Noah, the Birth of Christ, etc, until you get to your story.  For example, if you were rewriting A Christmas Carol as a Mystery Play, do not start with Scrooge telling Bob Cratchet he can’t have Christmas off. No, no, no!  You start with God creating the Earth, moving forward through the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Fall of Rome, the Dark Ages, The Middle Ages, The Renaissance, the 17^th and 18^th Centuries (make sure you keep mentioning God, though) and eventually you’ll hit the early Victorian period – and can kick in with Ebenezer.

NOTE:  Your reworking of ‘A Christmas Carol’ will not end with Scrooge changing his ways and buying Tiny Tim a goose.  It will end with the Fall of Man, Armageddonand Judgement Day. 

I think you’re getting the picture.

HOR d’ŒUVRES

Remembering that Medieval aristocratic cuisine was influenced by the Crusades, I have invented (yes, invented – this is a KIU exclusive) a very nice taste-treat which I feel is perfectly authentic and also rather pretty.

Dates Stuffed with Feta.

(That’s it, basically.)
Get your dates (fresh, preferably, but glazed also work.)
Slice them open.
Add a chunk of feta.
Salt and pepper to taste.

DRINKS

I’m allowing you to cheat with your starter and have champagne. With your main course, switch to a full-bodied red or a traditional ale.  Port with your cheese, and then a suitably Medieval liqueur. I always go for Benedictine, even though it’s another ‘cheat’ as the monks didn’t start making it until the 17^th century.  However, spice/nut based liqueurs were around in the Middle Ages, so I’ll even let you have an Amaretto.

And remember, in the Middle Ages, booze was considered both healthy and good for mental alacrity. Check out this 12^th Century poem on the subject :

Bring the bowl! at least in this
Dwells no shadowed distant bliss;
See! I clasp the cup whose power
Yields more wisdom in an hour
Than whole years of study give,
Vainly seeking how to live.
Wine dispenses into air
Selfish thoughts, and selfish care.
Dost thou know why wine I prize?
He who drinks all ill defies:
And can awhile throw off the thrall
Of self, the God we worship-all!
Omar Khayyam, circa. 1100.

See ! Wine dispenses into air all selfish thoughts – so drink up!

STARTER

Oysters! It’s gotta be.  A mainstay of the Medieval kitchen, oysters are a wonderful way to kick off your Christmas feast.  Pile them onto a rustic looking serving platter and cover them with vinegar, fresh lemon juice (please! No Jif!) and finely chopped shallots. In the flickering light of the candles, your table will look like a 17^th century Dutch still-life (wrong period, I know, but still rather nice.)

(Note: If you don’t like oysters….have a PASTIE, or something. I dunno. Sort yourselves out.)

MAIN COURSE

Forget your turkey, mate!  This is a Medieval Christmas we’re going for, and we can’t be doing with such new-fangled taste treats as turkeys.  Your main meat should be venison, goose (or swan, if you’re prepared to risk a stint of Community Service).  As I’m not a huge fan of the above, I tend to go for duck – or rather, I would go for duck, if I knew how to cook it. As I don’t, here’s what I do for my Medieval Main Course.

Selection of warm, roasted meats and poultry (chicken, ham, beef), sliced in a ‘rustic’ manner, and piled onto a serving dish.  If you want to cook up your meat yourself, I’d do the beef and ham in advance and simply re-heat before cooking.  As I spend Christmas in France, I simply go to the rotisserie and get a selection of beef, chicken, ham and sometimes duck. It’s all roasted and ready to go, and I simply give it a blast in the oven before serving.

Roasted parsnips, turnips, onions and green vegetable (depends on what looks good in the shops.)

Fruit (depending on season.) The Medieval kitchen mixed fruit with meat in a sweet n’ sour frenzy, with apples, figs, plums, pears and dates eaten alongside meat.  Do likewise. It rocks.  Don’t do anything to the fruit; just leave it in its natural state in a bowl.

And that’s it! No potatoes, obviously (New World – wrong period), and certainly no Christmas Crackers!

Condiment wise, you can make a gravy (that’s allowed), and of course – you can indulge your mustard desires ad infinitum (just so long as you have a suitably grainy, ancient type that comes in an earthenware jar.)

CHEESE

The best bit of the meal. As I spend every Christmas in France (oh, how I long for the Angevin Empire!), I confess to being spoilt for cheese. However, every country now has a pretty decent cheese selection, and I’d certainly recommend a proper cheese shop as opposed to the chilled aisle at your local Tescos.  I tend to buy almost inedible cheeses which seem to actually date from the 12^th Century; smelly, gooey, wrapped in grass and very scary, my taste in cheese is admittedly hardcore. However, Camembert is truly a Medieval cheese, as is Roquefort.

Serve with the most grainy, tooth-cracking bread you can find, serve with fresh fruit (winter berries, if available) and wash it all down with a nice port.

DESERT

Deserts in the Middle Ages were a hit and miss affair. With no cane sugar, most deserts were sweetened with honey, and tended to be rather ‘cake based’. ‘Frumenty’ was the traditional Christmas desert, a spiced porridge (which could be made into cakes) and flavoured with (you guessed it) honey.  I hate cake – and I don’t like honey.  With that in mind, I tend to go for the other main staples of the Medieval confectioner; glazed fruit and marzipan.  These people were marzipan mad, moulding little boats and cows out of the stuff and serving them on a round of bread.  Weird….but effective!

(If you've got the time and culinary skills to tackle some real Medieval recipes, this site has them all: How to Cook Medieval - Christmas Feasts)

Okay, we’ve been good. We have strayed no later than the 14^th century.  Now it’s time to catch up with technology and settle in (with liqueur)  for the best Medieval movies of all time!

This film is not only Medieval, but actually takes place at Christmas. Henry II (Peter O’Toole) has let his wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine (Katherine Hepburn) out of jail to spend Christmas ‘en famille’ at a castle in France with their sons, Richard the Lionheart, the future King John, and the scheming Geoffrey.  If you think Christmas with your family is bad, you should see what it’s like for the Plantagenets!  Screamingly funny and incredibly touching, “The Lion in Winter” tells the tale of the fight for the English crown – and even though we all know who won it, it’s still a nail-biting treat.

I love this little known, mid-90s trans-European production.  Set in 15^th century France, KIU Webmaster look-alike Colin Firth plays a liberal Parisian lawyer who gives up the swish life to ‘serve the people’ in a mud-ridden hick town.  When he’s called to defend a pig for the sex-murder of a child, he starts to realise that these ‘rustic folk’ are not all they appear.  A brilliant film pregnant with dry humour and utterly authentic; I highly recommend it.

An ageing Sean Connery plays Robin Hood. An ageing Audrey Hepburn is Maid Marian. Robert Shaw plays an ageing Sheriff of Nottingham, and with Richard Harris as The Lionheart, I can safely say you can’t go far wrong with “Robin and Marian.” It’s also very authentic, and really gives an accurate idea of 13^th century life (pretty bleak, in other words.)

What can I say? Sean Connery again stars, this time as Abbot Baskerville who, with his young ward (Christian Slater) travels to a desolate, mountain top monastery for a trans-order conference of monastic high-ups.  When – one by one – monks start getting murdered in weird and gruesome ways, Baskerville gets on the case!  Based on Umberto Eco’s best-seller, “The Name of the Rose”  is one fabulous Medieval film, a movie which is absolutely stolen by the brilliant Ron Perlman as ‘Salvatori’, the deformed hunchback who speaks his own, weird language and catches rats, eating them raw and alive.  Great stuff!

There can surely be nothing more Medieval than rounding off your Christmas day with Midnight Mass.  Obviously, being a practising Cathar (in spirit) I’m not really allowed to go even as spectator, but for the rest of you, there is surely nothing lovelier that sitting in a 13^th century Cathedral (or at least a decent church) and hearing Midnight Mass.  And if you want to go a little ‘hardcore’, why not visit your local Greek Orthodox Church? These guys put the ‘Mmmmmmm’ in Medieval, and with their weird chanting, swinging vivats and sticky cakes, they’ve changed very little since the 9^th Century. Rock on.

Upon returning from Midnight Mass, warm up in a deep, scented bath. Contrary to popular belief, bathing was important to Medieval people. The aristocracy used deep, wooden tubs with a steady supply of heated water, and up until the 14^th Century when fear of plague saw their decline, most town featured public baths (some with steam) where unisex nude bathing was a common occurrence. Cleanliness, after all, is next to godliness, and what better way to relax after your frantically Medieval day than by pouring a deep, hot bath and adding some Christmassy essential oils. Scented oils were often added to Medieval baths to fragrance the body, and if you turn out all the lights, burn a bunch of candles, and get the old Gregorian Chant going, you can close your eyes and really imagine you’re in a 12^th Century wooden tub (or a public bath house, if you’re not alone.)

After your bath, I suggest a glass of mulled wine, another Medieval movie, after which you climb into bed with….everyone!  No, I’m not suggesting a festive round of orgiastic sex (well, you can if you want to), I’m merely being authentic. Because of the freezing conditions of Medieval homes, both gentry and peasant would sleep ‘en masse’, all together in one bed – and that included their pets and livestock.  And make sure you sleep in your clothes; Medieval people rarely undress, their undergarments omnipresent and changed once every two weeks.

Okay. Maybe that’s a little too authentic.

I hope that some of my hints and tips have been of use, and come back next year, when I’ll be giving a step-by-step guide on how to have a BAROQUE Christmas!

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And if all this is a bit too modern for you, click here discover Aengus’s Pagan Christmas!