Ten Things You Can Do With a Mars Bar
(Besides sticking it up Marianne Faithful)
By Amanda Hallay
1: Deep Fry It!
Photographic evidence of the controversial deep-fried Mars Bar.
Only the Scottish could come up with such a decadent (not to mention, repulsive) idea. The world leader in heart-attacks, the hard-drinking, hard-smoking, ‘only-eat-fried-foods’ Scots have triumphed with this most unnecessary of taste-treats. If you want to die, here’s the recipe!
DEEP-FRIED MARS BAR
Time: 10 minutes
Servings: 1
Ingredients:
- 1 Mars Bar (UK) or Milky Way (US)
- 1 cup plain flour
- 1/2 cup corn flour
- A pinch of bicarbonate of soda (baking soda to Yanks)
- Milk or beer
- Oil for deep frying
Directions:
Chill the chocolate bar by keeping it in the fridge, but don't freeze it.
Mix the flours and bicarbonate of soda (baking soda) together.
Add milk (traditional) or beer (which gives a lighter result) until you get a batter with the consistency of thin cream.
Heat the oil until a small piece of bread will brown in a few seconds, but don't allow to smoke.
Remove wrapper from chilled chocolate bar. Coat completely in batter. Carefully lower into hot oil and fry until golden brown. Serve with ice cream or chips (YES, THEY EAT IT WITH CHIPS! Christ, the Scottish are HARD!)
2: Give It To a Homeless Person!
Although homeless, the Mars Bar Belly of this "Big Issue" seller is indicitive of his reliance upon confectionary. Help him, please.
As we all know, ‘A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play’. It can also help you sell The Big Issue and/or sit on the doorstep of Our Price begging for change. With that in mind, why not buy a Mars Bar and give it to a homeless person. Packed with glucose and calories (lots of calories), it will make up at least a third of the necessary sugar intake of a standard homeless person.
3: Turn it into Pop Art!
It worked for Andy Warhol, now make it work for you!
Andy Warhol did it with Campbell’s soup cans, and YOU can do it with a Mars Bar! All you have to do is up the price (from 38 pence) to £45,000…and you’ve got yourself a work of art worthy of The Turner Prize!
4: Freeze It!
Place your Mars Bar in one of these for the ultimate frozen delight.
Hard on the teeth, a frozen Mars Bar is nevertheless a very pleasant (if somewhat ‘long-lasting’) treat. Especially popular in summer, a frozen Mars Bar lasts for ages, and is perfect for taking to the movies with you; it will keep you busy through all of Titanic and/or Braveheart and/or Other-Overly-Long-And-Essentially-Crap-Movies.
5: Deconstruct It!
Cross sectioning makes deconstruction simple.
My favourite way to eat a Mars Bar is via deconstruction. First, I pick all the chocolate off, leaving the bar in a state of confectionery alopecia. Then, I peel back the caramel, rolling it slowly and carefully off the nougat before popping it into my mouth and letting it dissolve on my tongue. This leaves me with the nougat bit, with I gently ease in and out of my mouth, toying with the end of it, my tongue playfully flicking over the sweet, hard stick. (Mmmmm!)
6: Steal It!
No self-respecting British school kid graduates to adulthood without shop-lifting Mars Bars. Relive those halcyon days of childhood by nipping to your local shop and swiping a Mars! And if you get caught, the very worst that could happen is that you’d end up in an open prison like Jeffrey Archer. Big deal! (Get robbing!)
7: Melt It!
This is not a melted Mars Bar; it's just melted chocolate - but you get the effect, right?
Five minutes on the middle setting of any standard microwave will completely melt a Mars Bar (just make sure you put it in a bowl first.) Then, you can either pour it over ice cream, or indeed, use it as a ‘dip’ for fresh, summer fruit. (The Scots probably pour it over chips or something. No! They probably use it as a sauce for deep-fried Mars Bars.)
8: Send it Back to Mars of Slough!
For the price of a stamp, the world of Mars of Slough could be yours - all yours!
Fabricate a ‘defect’ in your Mars Bar (leave it somewhere to melt for a bit and/or leave it in the fridge so it goes ‘discoloured’) then send it back to Mars of Slough! There’s an address on the wrapper (under the ‘If-You’re-Not-Completely-Satisfied-With-This-Product’ blurb) and you might just get a ‘goody bag’ in return! I did! True, it was in 1983, and their policy on whingers might have changed in the post-Thatcher years, but after sending back my Mars Bar, I received a box full of Mars confectionery (including Twix and Starburst) with a letter of apology. It’s certainly worth a try!
9: Visit The Visible Mars Bar Project!
A visit to this site will alter your blood sugar level.
This website is for true enthusiasts only. Includes all manner of Mars Bar graphics, discussion and debate (esp. as to how crap U.S Mars Bars are compared to the classic, British forerunner) and will surely address all your immediate glucose needs. (http://totl.net/VisibleMars/)
10: Eat It!
A simple diagram of digestion; place Mars Bar in 'mouth', chew, swallow. The wonder of the human body will take care of the rest. ( 'What a piece of work is Man'.)
‘Best thing to do with a Mars Bar is to simply unwrap the fucker and eat it normally (no frying, no ‘sexy deconstructing’, no mucking about with it.)
(Almond Mars? JUST SAY ‘NO!’)
