ENGLAND

Part of an island off the coast of Western Europe.

Used to be English, now a sort of ‘youff televison sort a’ fing, wots WICKED!’

Shell suits and trainers (North), trainers and baggy jeans (South.)

Kebab and chips (Common People), Celebrity Chef-inspired Tuscan dishes with olive oil so virgin that it’s hymen is still intact (Middle Class) and  (I would guess) pheasant (Royal Family.)

Becks, Fosters, vodka-based bottled fruit drinks enjoyed by teenagers and/or slags.

Daytime television, signing-on.

Relatively low.

London’s got good shopping, great museums, nice restaurants.

U.S.A

Large land mass in between the Atlantic and Pacific with Latin America joined on at the bottom (and the unfortunate Canada joined onto the top.)

A form of English.

Not good.

Hamburgers and/or Nouvelle Cuisine sold in overpriced Boston bistros.

Massive coffee-based drinks from Starbucks with dome-like plastic lids filled with whipped cream.

Action films, hamburgers, palaeontology, Elvis.

We love it! (That's not sarcasm - we really love it, esp. NYC).

Well, yes!  We like Americans cuz they’re big tippers, are usually friendly, and say things like; ‘Gee….So, you’re BRIDISH, right?’

FRANCE

Western edge of Europa.

Incomprehensible series of sounds and snot-like gurgles known to the locals as ‘French’.

Rather good, I’m afraid; shi-shi suits on ladies and rather nice suits on men.

Le MACDO!

Any form of booze whatsoever; as long as it gets ya pissed, the French love it.

Snail farming.

Well, we hate France - but we love it, too.  It’s all a bit confusing, really…

Mais OUI!!!!  Cafes, Art… and the Cote d’Azur.

WALES

Attached to England (bigger, better country.)

Ridiculous noise accompanied by overuse of the letters ‘y’ and ‘p’.

Fleeces, cheap jeans.

Leeks / Burger King.

Tea, boyo.

Sheep farming, leeks, tourism (YES! BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY GO THERE?!)

North Wales is fantastic, and the Welsh are cute.

No, not really.

JAMAICA

It be in da Caribbean, mon.

English, mon.

Bob Marley tee-shirts and shorts, mon.

Pork with rice n’ peas, mon.

Red Stripe, mon.

Taxi driving and ganja, mon.

UPTOON, TOP RANKIN’, mon.

Ya, mon.

ITALY

Dangles off Europe.

Italian. (Durr.)

Overpriced, over-tailored suits and shoes which cost a zillion lira.

Spaghetti.

Chianti.

Arty Cinema, glove making, Catholicism.

Molta bella; we like Italy.

See above.

TUNISIA

North Africa.

Utterly incomprehensible gobbledegook  (ie; French) and Arabic.

Oversized tee-shirts and jeans.

Cous-cous.

This fig stuff (can’t remember what it’s called, but it gets ya pissed without a hangover.)

Haggling  / Camels / Taxi Driving (all combined).

SWEDEN

North bit of Europe.

English with odd accent.

Red trousers and Crowded House tee-shirts.

Herring.

I take a beer in the louder part of town and sometimes I’m a little bit crazy’.

Abba.

Never been, but it seems nice enough.

Can you hear the drums, Fernando…’

IRELAND

Off the West coast of the proper Britain.

Odd sounding English.

Black leather jackets a la Bono and/or badly knitted jumpers with holes.

The Potato.

Anything that contains alcohol.

Eurovision Song Contest and Terrorism.

Too scared to say anything in case I get blown up with Centex.

I heard Dublin’s okay.

AUSTRALIA

A million miles away from anything good.

Mutated English.

Bermuda shirts and massive stomachs.

Kangaroo. (It’s TRUE; they EAT ‘em.)

Fosters.

Soap opera production  /  Rolf Harris.

Sorry….

We like actress Toni  Colette, but…well….No.

SWITZERLAND

Far from any war zone.

French, German, Italian, English, Portuguese, Welsh, Senegalese, etc.

Techno gear and/or lederhosen.

Fondue.

Schnapps.

Skiing, clocks, hiding Art stolen by Nazis, distribution of secret bank accounts.

The Swiss are mental.

The Swiss are mental.

CANADA

Top of America.

Weird English and weirder French.

Lumberjack shirts and/or Pat Benatar-inspired ‘80s dancewear.

Moose.

Melted snow.

Brian Adams, convincing people that Toronto is as good as a proper city, ice-hockey.

4/10.

Canadians are alright.  A bit like Americans but without the crime and charisma.

NORWAY

Oh, you know... up there, near Sweden.

English.

Woolly jumpers and drainpipe trousers.

Morten Harkett (boom boom).

I don’t do too much of the drinking, man.  Makes me act a little bit crazy’.

A-ha.

7/10 on the strength of The Sun Always Shines On T.V.

I think we’ve already said too much.

BELGIUM

Nobody’s really sure.

   Medieval dialect known as Flemish.  Also the ever unpopular French.

Not sure, really.

Chips with mayonnaise and  Pizza Hut.

Dunno what it is, but it comes in a very small glass and is like drinking fire.

Being the butt of French jokes.

9/10! (Went to Bruges and thought it was FAB!)

Sure is! Belgium is CUTE.  Everything’s tiny - from the cute little houses to the cute little drinks.  It’s all small and cosy, as are the people, who have a very offbeat sense of humour and buy strangers tiny drinks that taste of fire and get you legless.  ALL GOOD STUFF.