THE SOMERSET TOOTHWRIGHT

Dear Dentist,
When I wake up first thing in the morning, my teeth feel soft, warm and a little furry. What's worse, they smell bad, almost like an animal. Sometimes, if I keep very still, I think I can hear them purring. Do I have a dental infection, or am I going crazy? Could you recommend a tonic mouthwash?
Mrs James Edwards, Peasedown St.John

Dentist replies-
You stupid woman, your mouth is fine! You are confusing your teeth with your cat. I would strongly advise you to exclude your cat from the bedroom. I include some diagrams below to further assist your understanding.

Dear Dentist,
My boyfriend Victor comes from Peasedown St.John, whose townsfolk are apparently well known for their prominent teeth. Victor himself has often been told that he has ‘teeth like a horse’. What do you think?
Penny, Frome

Dentist replies-
Hello Penny. I’m afraid I don’t know if you are looking for advice or merely boasting.

Dear Dentist,
They say the eyes are the windows of the soul. What then are the teeth?
Celestine, Peasedown St.John

Dentist replies-
I’m not getting involved in any more of these silly games with you Peasedown people. Is your town by any chance twinned with Paris?

Dear Dentist,
I’ve heard about these new screw-in teeth. Where can I get them and where do I screw them in?
Jean, USA

Dentist replies-
A warm Somerset welcome to our American cousins. I believe you are referring to osseo-integrated titanium implants. These are metal ‘screws’ which are fixed in the bone to replace missing teeth. They would generally be placed in the jaw, although I did hear a rumour that a Minnesota woman has had a set of incisors implanted on her forearm. I would be inclined to disregard this story however, as I first heard it on French television.

Dear Dentist,
I would just like to say that I have seen many people from Frome whose teeth are downright ugly.
Alaister, Peasedown St.John

Dentist replies-

I am not prepared to allow these pages to become a battleground for petty local arguments between insignificant West Country towns. No more! Let’s have some real dentistry questions.

Dear Dentist,
While travelling in the Tropics, I came across a story that one can have one’s fortune told from one’s teeth. Is this true, and if it is what would be done with me- I lost all my teeth in the war?
Capt. Clarence Weasel (Ret’d), Dorchester

Dentist replies-
This is a suspect and unhelpful rumour, my good Captain. There is no formally recognised system of fortune-telling based on the teeth. Anyone telling you otherwise is a charlatan and should be avoided. There is however a system, known as the Fauchard test [after the terminally french Pierre Fauchard, the ‘father’ of dentistry] for understanding personalities. This test, which I may be induced to explain at a later stage, is similar to the Enneagram system, and the ‘Star sign’ system, both of which are so popular among the “switched-on” generation.

Dear Dentist,
My friend John Gannon can eat an apple through a tennis racket. Do I win a prize?
Neil, Stockport

Dentist replies-
Dear Neil, early man used to have a gap between his front teeth, called a midline diastema. It is thought that this gap, in conjunction with a square of woven grass or reeds, was used in a basic sieving technique to suck the juice out of fruits like the pomegranate or the grape while avoiding the seeds. The incidence of diastemas reduced as we evolved- these days only the rare ape like Madonna has one.

I hope you don't think I am comparing your friend to a primitive human.

As for your prize, if it was a Granny Smith, as opposed to a softer variety of apple, I could see my way to giving you a 5% discount on a root-canal treatment at my Bristol practice