By Amanda (‘Oh, behave!’) Hallay
We at Kittens in Underpants are what you might call ‘literary types’; not only does Caitlyn have her B.A in English Lit, but Amanda is doing her M.A in writing. One could not then be blamed for believing that KIU would (in a ‘face-off’ situation) side with the Greats of English Literature against whomever they’re pitted. Whilst this would usually be the case, when it comes to Jane Austen (whom we love), we feel there is another Austin who could – quite frankly – wipe the floor with her.
I present my evidence.
| AUSTEN: | Lived in a small, modest room in her parents’ house. |
| AUSTIN: | Lives in a swinging Chelsea crash-pad with shag-pile carpeting, mirrored disco balls, resident D.J, and lots of ‘birds’. |
| AUSTEN: | Fought against the socio-economic restraints placed upon young ladies of the marrying age in 19th century England. |
| AUSTIN: | Fights against Dr Evil. |
| AUSTEN: | Favoured walking to riding, many of her most famous works composed in her mind whilst ‘taking a turn’ round the garden of a Regency mansion or a park in Bath. |
| AUSTIN: | Drives a Shag-ua! |
| AUSTEN: | Said; “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” |
| AUSTIN: | Said; “Do I make you HORNY, baby?!” |
| AUSTEN: | Had very bad teeth. |
| AUSTIN: | Has very bad teeth. |
| AUSTEN: | Saved her pennies for a rainy day. |
| AUSTIN: | Saved the earth against annihilation. (And then shagged.) |
| AUSTEN: | Wore Empire-style gowns and lacy bonnets. |
| AUSTIN: | Wears velvet, double-breasted jackets, stripy pants, frilly shirts, Chelsea boots, medallions….and glasses. |
| AUSTEN: | Was solitary. |
| AUSTIN: | Loads of mates (including Michael York.) |
| AUSTEN: | Whilst she is now the heroine of all female writers, during her lifetime, nobody wanted to be Jane Austin. |
| AUSTIN: | Has his own Mini-Him! |
| AUSTEN: | Lost belief in love as an emotion autonomous to money. |
| AUSTIN: | Lost his mojo. |
| AUSTEN: | Died a virgin. |
| AUSTIN: | Shag-a-delic, baby! YEAH! |
As you can see, whilst Jane Austen is quite good, in an Ultimate Face-Off situation, Austin Powers wins hands down. I mean, whose life would you rather lead? (And do I make you HORNY, baby? Do I? Do I make you HORNY?!?!)
