The Towering Inferno

By Amanda Hallay

Forget your 'Love Story', this is the quintessential Early '70s flick. With a strong (yet small) cult following, The Towering Inferno (or 'T.I', as it is known to us die-hards) addresses all your jet-set/mass death needs.

Here's the low-down;
Director: Irwin Allen.
Starring: Everybody. (ie; Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, William Holden, Faye Dunaway, Fred Astair, Richard Chamberlain, Jennifer Jones, Richard Wagner - even a pre-killer O.J lends a useful hand (or would have done, if the glove had fit.)

JET-SET RATING: + + + + +
SEXIST RATING: + + + + +

Before we even kick into the plot, let's take a look at the opening credits.

Note the clever democracy; Newman's name is first, but McQueen's name is higher. How many Caesar-salad lunches did their agents have to eat to work out that stroke of genius?

Nobody knows what this building is. It is probably the The Federal Department of U.S Federal Fire Fighting' (in Washington) or something.
The dedication is for 'Firemen throughout the world who risk their lives so that others may live'. Whilst this reads a bit like; 'We who are about to die salute you' - it is actually rather noble, and (thankfully) the only noble thing about T.I. The rest of it is shameless.

Paul Newman (architect) has built the tallest skyscraper in the known universe. It is the night of the dedication ceremony. Newman flies into town (San Francisco) by helicopter, landing atop his 'chef d'ouevre'. Greeting him is the building's owner (William Holden), whose evil playboy son-in-law (Richard Chamberlain) had been charged with supervising the building's electrical system. Being an evil playboy, he has cut corners and failed to install the mysterious 'double backed 424 conduit wiring system' (or something.)

(NOTE: T.I contains a lot of dialogue which can only be understood by someone with a Level 7 City and Guild Certificate in electrical engineering. Don't try to fathom it; the cast clearly hasn't.)

A minor fire breaks out (first spotted by eagle-eyed security guard, O.J Simpson.) Newman sorts it out and calls an 'emergency meeting' with William Holden and Robert Wagner. Wagner's function at the T.I is a bit nebulous, but we know he's a 'goodie' because he seems cross when he hears that there's no 'conduit wiring'. Newman is concerned about the glittering, jet-set party to be held in 'The Promendade Room' (located on the 2,892nd floor and containing the notoriously flammable shag- pile carpeting and flocked wallpaper.) He knows he is dealing with a hot-wired building, and with all that early '70s man-made synthetic fibre about, his concerns are well founded.

Holden, however, is determined that the show will go on. Not only will the Mayor and his enormous wife be present, but so will 'The Senator' (Robert Vaughn), who has something to do with Urban Planning and can (according to Holden) give the okay for 'skyscrapers just like this one springing up all around the country!' (Presumably he means skyscrapers without 'double backed 424 conduit' and about to combust.)

An important point to make at this stage is that the T.I is both commercial and residential. As Newman later points out, he 'wanted to design a building where people could live and work…in safety.' One of the residence is a deaf woman with a six-year old girl and a 'groovy', pre-teen boy who resembles Danny Partridge and listens to 'happening sounds' on his massive headphones. Their babysitter is kindly Jennifer Jones, who also has an apartment in T.I which she shares with 'Elkie', her dopey cat. She will be going to the jet-set penthouse party, but mother of little girl and Danny Partridge will not; as she explains (via sign language to her daughter) 'Mummy doesn't go to parties since Daddy died'. (T.I Pathos Moment.)

The party gets underway. It is (as expected) a dazzling event of the highest order. A Les Baxter-type band are playing 'Girl From Ipanima'-type songs, the men are dressed in wide-lapelled velvet jackets with matching flares, the women in long and flowing 'evening gowns' (as I believe the expression once was.)

Small-time con man Fred Astair is one of the party-goers; he is the date of Jennifer Jones, and hopes to sell her lots of shares in some fake company (but it's okay; she's onto him straight away buy fancies him anyway - she's that kindly.) Richard Chamberlain is also present (getting told off by all and sundry), as is his pretty young wife. She is somewhat sad, as she and Richard are 'running out of reasons to stay married'. He doesn't give a toss; he just wants to get pissed.

Robert Wagner is not in evidence; he is downstairs, shagging his secretary (after which he delivers this bizarre bit of dialogue; 'How come when a man makes love to a woman, he doesn't leave a trace?' Clearly, Wagner is unable to ejaculate. Cue T.I Pathos Moment.)

Of course, Faye Dunaway is in attendance, but although she looks lovely in her Balenciaga, she can't really let her highly-styled hair down; Newman is 'on edge'. Why? Because the 86th floor has EXPLODED!

Enter Fire Chief Steve McQueen. He is not best pleased. As he says to Newman; 'You know we can't fight a fire above the seventh floor, but you just keep buildin' 'em higher and higher'. (GREAT MOMENT: Watch out for the withering look of disdain that McQueen shoots to Newman in the elevator. Classic!)

Upon McQueen's masterful insistence, Holden tells his guests that the party is transferring to 'The Continental Room' on the ground floor. For some reason, they never get down there. This is a great T.I pity; we never get to see 'The Continental Room', and are left merely to imagine its Crazy Paving flooring, in-wall aquariums and Tiki torches (one of which was probably the culprit for starting the fire; Chamberlain, you're off the hook in my book!)

After this point, two and half ZILLION things happen! Here's the best of them;

'What you listening to, Danny?'
'I got me some JACKSON 5, sista!'

Faye: 'I've just been offered Managing Editor. It's a job I've wanted for five years…worked for for five years. But I also want to live in a place where our children can run free - can run wild. I guess I want both…and I can't have both, can I?
Newman: Do you smell burning?

Fred: "Look how well I've mastered these new go-go dances that all the kids are into. This is the Fruge. And this is the Watusi! Wow, baby - I can really groove to these way-out tunes!"

Jennifer Jones: Do you smell burning?

O.J faces dilemma; 'Shall I save it….or kill it?'

The Right Honourable Mayer of San Francisco and his wife, a tub of lard.

Newman explains his 'by-the-book', state-of-the-art architectural designs. Steve is thinking 'You piece of shit'.

"Don't let Fatso in! This Disney Resort-inspired scenic elevator can't take the weight!"

Disney Resort-inspired scenic elevator unable to maintain excess body-weight of porky mayoress.

Rookie; 'Gee, Boss. If it wasn't for you holding onto my wrists, I'd plummet eight hundred feet to my death! If we ever make it out of this, I'm sure gonna buy you a beer, big guy!'
Steve: You piece of shit.

Why am I so affected?

D.Partridge: Sure we'd like to earn more hot-fudge sundaes if we ever get outta here alive, but what exactly is an 8 mm camera, mister?

Chamberlain finds his receipt from Crazy Al's Cut-Price Electrical Wiring…and eats it.

(This can't be a good idea.)

Blatant queue-jumping.

O.J with Corpses.

O.J at ease with dead bodies.

(Castro Street 'Dames at Sea' Revival This Way.)

'Get Me Out of The Seventies!'

'I can't take any more Herb Alpert!'

Widmark; 'Don't tie yourself up to a box of glass!'
Loyal Barman: 'But it's the '29!'
(This is actual T.I dialogue and has in no way been tampered with or altered for comedic purposes.)

'All I see are men in bondage! And the water tanks have just been detonated! I've got a great idea, boys - let's SWIM to The Castro! (Richard Chamberlain knows the way.)'

All's Well That Ends Well. (The 200+ body count and fucked building notwithstanding.)

As you can see, The Towering Inferno is as suave as it is action packed, as cool as it is (quite literally) hot.

(Or, as Steve McQueen so eloquently put it; 'Oh, shit!'.)

'Got a light?