In the old days it was easy. Humans were simple creatures, easier to read and predict. Aliens might have treated us much in the fond way that we deal with small beasts now. Man was either a hunter or a gatherer (sometimes both). A steady supply of basic food, a dry shelter and a regular shag kept a cave man happy. As human civilisation developed, our characters and proclivities diversified in response to our changing social environment. Every passing century has seen attempts by philosophers and social gurus to impose a pattern on human behaviour. Astrologists have of course held the market shares in personality typing- star signs are as popular as ever today. In other cultures the individual is designated as a certain animal (dog, rat etc.) that is symbolic of a group of social characteristics. The last century saw the proliferation of the Enneagram system. This divides us humans into nine types, one of which you get to chose for yourself. Try any of the above if you like- in my opinion they are a bunch of hokum.

Only one system exists in a complete form today that dates from the pre-astrological era: TOOTH TRUTH. Man has been aware of the inherent truth in our dentition from around the time that he began to domesticate crops and moved away from his simpler caveman life. The secrets of TOOTH TRUTH have been hidden for quite some time following the Dark Age pogroms against dentists, but they have continued to be handed down from Toothwright to Toothwright. As part of this website’s stated aim of being ‘a gift to mankind’, I want to increase the ambient level of psychological awareness in my fellow human being.

Enjoy,
The Somerset Toothwright.

You will need firstly to discover your true dental identity.

There are three groupings: the workers, the observers and the leaders. Which are you?

Among the workers there are: the Sheeplike Second Molar [always follows the crowd]; the Soft-touch Second Premolar [lives passively in a quest for an easy life]; and the Socially-inept Third Molar [the sweaty computer nerd]

Among the observers are: the cold, cruel and brilliant Canine, the off-kilter and dangerous Lateral Incisor, and the immature, romantic First Premolar.

The leaders: the lust-driven Tongue [pushing the frontier of physical experimentation], the boring, intellectual First Molar [the mind is his playground], and the pretty Central Incisor [who may be shallow but who always makes the effort to look nice]

You may need a friend’s help to figure out which tooth type you are: it’s not always easy to learn the truth. Objectivity can be hard to come by. But the broad spectrum of human behaviour is contained in these pages, and you must go ahead now and discover more about yourself in this source book of ancient knowledge.

With my years of experience in dealing with Tooth Truth, I have a certain facility for figuring out what a person’s sign is. If you are struggling to recognise yourself, send me a photo and I will let you know what sort of a tooth you are.

Defining characteristic: Pride and vanity (and fear).

In a nutshell: All fur coat and no knickers.

Physical appearance: These people spare no expense when it comes to their appearance. Tooth-whitening, collagen lips, botox injections. They all wear off, and then you get it done again. Long-term effects? Who cares!

Central Incisors are not always the most attractive people. Among their number are the “make the best of a bad lot” types who make up for ugliness with expensive beauty therapies. Think of an Aussie pop starlet with big teeth and a sculpted ass.

This person is the product of modern throwaway society. The Central Incisor is shallow and vain.

At the dentist: Attend regularly for a scale and polish, but never return for their fillings.

Music: Their musical interest is this week’s number one; whatever is the newest thing to be listening to.

Cats: If a Central is going to have a pet, it will be a cat. In the animal kingdom, the cat embodies the positive aspects of being a Central Incisor

The French: Most French women are Central Incisors; French men wish they were too.

Religion: Girls: Owning shoes; Boys: Working out at the gym.

Romance and partners: Boys: Commitment-phobic bachelors; Girls: Marry young to a dull husband with a good salary

Money: Never loan a Central Incisor money, they will spend it on a sun-bed and you will never see it again. If you are beautiful or famous, a Central will be your friend. They work hard to be fabulous company for the right people.

Sex: Mirrored ceilings, Camcorders, sometimes “Readers’ Wives”

The Arts: Tend to watch Julia Roberts movies; they like cross-over acts like J-Lo [so they can talk about her music and her movies and only have to remember one name]

Saving grace: They are very giving people if you fulfil their criteria.

Defining characteristic: Deceit. Apathy.

In a nutshell: The black sheep of the creative world. Beat poets.

Physical appearance: A narrow mouth and beady eyes.

At the dentist: They appear to be conscientious patients, they nod enthusiastically when flossing is mentioned to them, but once you get towards the end of a course of treatment and mention payment, they disappear and you never hear from them again. They have tobacco-stained teeth.

Music: World music. Laterals are often talented musicians themselves.

Cats: Cats keep their distance from Laterals

The French: The French turn Laterals into national icons

Religion: Performing.

Romance and Partners: A Lateral will have a long-term mistress, he will somehow manage to sneak off to Brazil with her once a year.

Money: Love them by all means, but never trust a lateral incisor.

Sex: You really don’t want to know (see ‘Cats’ above)

The Arts: Laterals have superb artistic instincts: more likely to have their work in an exhibition than to go and see one.

Saving grace: Usually nocturnal, so most people don’t have to put up with them.

Defining characteristic: Avarice. Cynicism.

In a nutshell: A cold loveless observer.

Physical appearance: Tend to be the most physically attractive of the tooth-types

At the dentist: Enjoy perfect health: no toothaches, medical problems or existential angst

Music: Mozart, Puccini, Bob Dylan.

Cats: Cats like Canines, Canines don’t like cats

The French: I don’t think there was ever a French Canine; if there had been, they would have named a cake after him.

Religion: Who needs a religion when you have an overdeveloped ego?

Romance and Partners: The Canine is in a loveless marriage. He/She is adored by their partner, and the Canine manipulates the relationship to his/her own ends

Money: Money comes easily to these guys, they never have to think twice about it.

Sex: The canine is into experimentation.

The Arts: Often highly successful writers, canines use their observational powers to mine their friends’ lives for potential novel plot-lines. Be careful what you divulge to them.

Saving grace: They are just so goddamn beautiful and multi-talented you will love them despite yourself.

Defining characteristic: An adolescent nature

In a nutshell: A Romantic, a slave to their passions.

Physical appearance:  They always oversell themselves on paper in the personal ads.

At the dentist: Will stay up at night worrying whether their silver fillings are environmentally friendly

Music: Fixated with the pop music from the decade in which they spent their teens

Cats:  Would love to have a dozen cats but they can only afford a small apartment

The French: The French might appreciate a first Premolar, but only after his death. Alive, he is a drain on society.

Religion: Self-expression: anything from lyric poetry to hallmark greeting card twoddle, these guys can’t stop emoting

Romance and Partners: Will marry a partner younger than themselves to keep feeling youthful

Money: Premolars around the world are skint, penniless, broke.

Sex: Not as often as he/she would like

The Arts: Piano players, emotional Divas

Saving grace: A heart of Gold

Defining characteristic: Lazy

In a nutshell: A crowd-pleaser, a push-over, a waste of time.

Physical appearance: Youthful in the worst possible way: spotty, giggling, flushed of face and loud

At the dentist: Had three years of extensive orthodontic treatment as a teenager without much of an aesthetic improvement

Music: Will focus on an obscure genre of music as a ‘favourite’ in a conscious attempt to sound interesting.

Cats: Prefers dogs

The French: Thinks there is nothing ‘cooler’ than being or sounding French

Religion: Star-trek and fantasy in general

Romance and Partners: They tend to either find their own level and mate with other   Second Premolars, or end up with a dominant partner who undermines their confidence further.

Money: Always willing to lend you a fiver

Sex: Not the crowd-pleasing sort- breeding shouldn’t be encouraged

The Arts: Does a Hollywood blockbuster movie and Bon Jovi’s Greatest Hits count as ‘art’?

Saving grace: they are aware of their deficiencies, so they won’t bother you much

Defining characteristic: Anger, Conservatism

In a nutshell: A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Physical appearance: Pot-bellied, facial hair, hangs his keys from the belt-loop on his trousers

At the dentist: flosses more often than the dentist, and has memorised the location of each of his fillings for cross-referencing during check-ups

Music: Nobody else is allowed to touch his original Vinyl collection of Wagner

Cats: Dirty smelly things

The French: Dirty smelly things

Religion: Being a pillar of the local community

Romance and Partners: No romance, but married to someone of a similar social and financial background

Money: Has more than he needs

Sex: Likes to add a few personal touches when no one else is around, eg. Menthol Vapo-rub. In company he is highly conservative: same position, same duration, same small-talk.

The Arts: attends mainstream theatre out of a sense of duty, but never anything ‘fringe’; wrote a poem once in a flush of youthful folly.

Saving grace: At least they are predictable

Defining characteristic: Fear

In a nutshell: The worker bee

Physical appearance: they hide themselves at the back of a crowd, dress in drab colours and avoid having their photo taken

At the dentist: Men who faint when having injections are second molars

Music: Listens to cheap compilations of last year’s hits.

Cats: Having a cat would be the exotic highpoint of their lives; the cat is named Nebuchadnezzar or worse

The French: This is the French Male

Religion: Mass public opinion, whatever the crowd is doing

Romance and Partners: Marriages of either unexamined frustration or frank despair

Money: Look after other people’s money for a living

Sex: They dream about Central Incisors

The Arts: The one place in their waking life when life means something

Saving grace: They do the menial jobs for us

Defining characteristic: Appetite

In a nutshell: Can’t get enough of your sugar, Mama

Physical appearance: An overweight sweaty nerd type

At the dentist: Every tooth is very heavily restored, but he is a regular attender

Music: Has three hundred albums loaded onto a device the size of a chocolate chip cookie, the technological whiz is more exciting to him than the music

Cats: Has a fat cat

The French: Loves France for its insistence on steak et frites as a dinner option

Religion: self-indulgence

Romance and Partners: Defies predictions and bags a beautiful partner

Money: Plenty [see Romance and Partners above]

Sex: Not pleasant to envisage, but he has more than most

The Arts: Often ends up in a relationship with beautiful struggling artistic types

Saving grace: patronage of the arts

Defining characteristic: Sensuality, irrationality

In a nutshell: the touchy-feely type

Physical appearance: Warm and fuzzy around the edges

At the dentist: Attends a flurry of appointments about every ten years, and then tries to pick up the dentist

Music: Always has music playing- ‘music is so important’

Cats: Shares a bedroom with thirteen cats

The French: most Tongues spend part of their lives in France

Religion: hot-oil massages, champagne, licking

Romance and Partners: Lots of love to give but spreads it quite thinly.

Money: lives a profligate life of whim and irresponsibility

Sex: see Religion above

The Arts: they see their lives as an art form

Saving grace: they give good massages