(Brian Boat’s periodic look at the life of… well… a graduate loser.)

Part 2

Graduatum Perdidans

Once rare species, now increasingly proliferate. Indigenous to Great Britain, but known to migrate to Continental Europe and has been sighted as far a-field as Australia and Thailand.

Distinctive Markings: Often floppy-haired; known to shelter from the cold through use of the scarf/ roll neck jumper; frequently grubby; identifiable in many instances by a discreet yet noticeable puffiness around the lower eye caused by either lack of/ excess sleep; the odd blackhead; roll-up dangling from ends of fingers or balanced precariously on lower lip; general shabbiness.

Common Traits: Graduatum commonly has a predisposition to the rare yet debilitating illness Matina Peurans (Morning Fear, colloq.), a psychological disorder with severe physical symptoms including sweats, extreme anxiety, the inability to move ones legs, nosebleeds, ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches and urinary frequency, induced by the prospect of being forced to rise before the hour of ten a.m. Although in many respects similar to Homo Sapiens (Normal Man) Graduatum is also believed to be genetically similar to Bradypus Tridactylus (The Three-Toed Sloth) due to its phenomenal capacity for sleep and general lack of urgency. Although not unknown, daytime sightings are rare, and the eminent biologist M. C. McMcaferty III (Phd., M.D) has recently argued in his controversial paper Graduatum Perdidans: Finding the Lost Cause, that it be reclassified as a fully nocturnal species in the same mould as the fox and the badger.

Feeding and Mating Habits: Unashamedly omnivorous, Graduatum is known to eat almost anything, although experiments have shown a distinct increase in rates of salivation when foodstuffs arrive in containers made from tin or silver foil. Particular favourites include the Pepperami, the noodle, and the cheese sandwich, all of which are likely to induce a frenzied attack worthy of the fiercest predator. A strange feature of this species, however, is that despite an ostensibly voracious appetite, Graduatum tends by nature to be sickly thin. Scientific opinion on the reasons for this remains divided, although the generally accepted belief is that with its mouth being so frequently occupied with roll-ups, the amount of time available between periods of sleep whereby food can be successfully chewed is greatly reduced.

Mating habits vary greatly from animal to animal, and although cross-fertilisation with Homo Sapiens is known (there is not, to date, any record of the same practise with Bradypus Tridactylus, but scientists have not entirely ruled it out) the Graduatum is generally happiest when sticking to its own species. Despite an appalling lethargy in all other walks of life, it has been known to be quite dynamic when presented with the opportunity for sexual endeavour, especially if it be of slightly deviant nature. Masturbation is common – it has been said that with the exception of the howler monkey, Graduatum gratifies itself more frequently than any other animal known to science – and this excessive tendency towards self-abuse has been cited by many as a possible explanation for the long and irregular sleeping patterns.

Habitat: Often with their mothers. Otherwise found in bedsits, shared houses of unlikely squalor, kipping on indulgent Homo Sapiens sofas. An aversion to paying rent, physical symptoms of which can be similar to those stated above for Matina Peurans (Morning Fear).

Other Interesting Characteristics: Often prone to sarcasm and, when pushed, will confess to experiencing some non-specific existential angst (although without necessarily being able to spell it). A withering and totally unjustified arrogance towards those gainfully employed in the Real World, despite the fact that they have better hair, cars, flats, birds, bank accounts and personal hygiene: this attitude remains largely baffling to even the most brilliant of scientific minds. ‘Graduatum Perdidans is at base a deeply contradictory animal. One part idealist, one part failure; one part dreamer, one part cynic; capable at times of cutting insight, guilty at others of talking utter shite: as such he walks the tightrope of his own paradoxical existence, like Sisyphus only without the rock and better hair.’ (Mcaferty III, p36.). Nearly all will confess to Withnail and I being in their top three films of all time. Nearly all think music should have guitars in it. Nearly all are prone to moments of extreme ponciness.

Pet Opportunities: Almost never violent, Graduatum Perdidans has been known to make a wonderful and fulfilling addition to a household. Most respond well to both stroking and treats (cups of tea and pre-made roll-ups will almost guarantee a friend for life), and for the right owner they can be even better than cats, although less cleanly in the early stages. Almost all, however, with a modicum of perseverance and tolerance, are capable of full domestication. For any further enquiries and a free information pack, please call the Graduatum Sanctuary on (++44) 0870 670974. Standard rates apply. Serious applicants only.