Every New Year’s Eve, I quietly join the ranks of millions upon millions of people all over the world in their quest to be thin.  I am one out of many who have been cursed with the genetic makeup of a slug.  Either that or I have just succumbed to pure laziness and complacency.  Regardless of the cause of ‘our’ weight gain, like Pavlov’s dog, every year at the stroke of midnight, ‘we’ become steadfast in ‘our’ commitment and ‘our’ resolve that this will be the year of triumph.  However, this Battle of Flabaggedon is not easily won.  Some are victorious and reap the benefits for years to come.  Others simply taste victory for but a moment, and then it is gone as they backslide into their comfort zones.  Then there are those of us who never quite get started, but the intentions are always there, and we say to ourselves, “Someday…I will be skinny”. 

In my younger days, I fell into the second group.  It didn’t take much for me to drop the weight that I had allowed myself to gain.  It took only a month or two for me to drop twenty, thirty, even forty pounds without much effort.  A little jogging, a little cutting back on the food intake and I was good to go.  But then…I hit thirty years of age, and it became a lot more difficult for the pounds to melt off.  I was warned in my twenties that this would be the case, so I felt if I entered my thirties under 200 pounds, then I would be able to maintain it with ease.  Well, much to my chagrin, that was not so.  In seven months throughout my 31st year, I shot sixty pounds upwards.  At one point I tipped the scales at 275 pounds.  The most embarrassing part of this is I didn’t realize that I weighed that much until I stepped on a scale at Sea World in San Diego that they use to weigh the Killer Whales.  Luckily, my embarrassment was lessened by the fact, there were only about fifteen people standing around me, instead of hundreds!  At that point, I determined within myself to drop this ‘baby’ fat and get myself thin, and to be thin for good.  Unfortunately, that was about three years ago, and except for a few weeks here and there, I’ve only managed to lose about twenty pounds and have been able to keep that off successfully. (Yeah me!)

Finally, after years of late nights with my Hershey bars and peanut butter, I have a reason to lose the weight.  I won a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean!  This, of course, has been motivation beyond belief!  I began making my plans several weeks’ back.  I figured, the cruise will either be at the end of October or early November, so this will give me ample time to lose 50 – 60 pounds and be looking hot for the Caribbean bois!  Now all I had to figure out was how was I going to do it?

I always come up with different ways to lose weight.  I’ve exercised to ‘Buns of Steel’, ‘Abs of Steel’, and ‘Thighs of Steel’.  There have been times that I have done the Richard Simmons tapes. (Gasp) I’ve done the Cabbage Diet, and that was just awful.  Why was it awful?  Well, it made you drop the weight quickly because it cleaned out your system.  My poor apartment was like living in Gary, Indiana! (To put it nicely.)  I’ve played basketball for hours at night and jogged which worked well.  However, I’ve been smoking now for eight years straight, so my lung capacity isn’t what it used to be.  I know, you are probably asking, why get healthy if you are going to smoke?  Well, it’s because I’m not looking to be healthy.  I’m wanting to be SKINNY!  Okay, let’s be honest, I will never be skinny; I am a big boned gurl…so let’s just say I want to be less than what I am at this time.  I’m looking for quality in life, not quantity.  I don’t care to live to be 100 years old, I just want to look thin when I drop dead!  I may die of cancer, but by God, they had better be able to get me in a pair of 32” waist/long dress slacks!  I really don’t think that is too much to ask.

Viola!  It came to me.  I’m going to do Metabo-life (a diet pill that increases your metabolism), light exercise, and carrots!  My eyesight needs improving anyway.  So, it was settled.  These would be the keys that would open wide the doors of success for me.

I began to put my plan in place.  I went to the store and bought a 2lb bag of beautiful orange, fresh carrots.  I bought my Metabo-life, and began to think about my light exercise routine that I was going to follow.  I’m a stickler for creating a list and how many sets I would do for each type of exercise, and then how many repetitions would/should be in each set.  I decided that instead of jogging, I would try walking this time around.  In the past, I would always map out my route, then drive my car to measure the mileage of the route.  However, this time, I felt that I would forego all the lists, mapping, and routing.  I wanted this to feel natural and to be able to move in and out of my little regiment without having too many restrictions.  Sure this opens up a lot of room for failure, but it’s not everyday that you win a cruise, and I have dreamed of going on a cruise since the first time I watched the Love Boat! 

March 3rd had come.  Why was this an important date?  Well, it was important because I had sent in the necessary information that was required by the officials offering the cruise in order to get the process started.  My dream vacation is becoming a reality, and I WILL be looking ‘HOT’ for my week of ‘Caribbean Carnal Pleasures’! (It’s the stuff that they couldn’t show you on the Love Boat!)  Also, March 3rd is important because it was a Monday.  I always start my ‘new beginnings’ on Mondays.  Besides, I had a half-gallon of Rocky Road ice cream in the fridge that I had to finish before the weekend ended.  Alright, not only did I have to finish a half-gallon of Rocky Road ice cream, but I also had some chocolate, caramel, with coconut sprinkled Girl Scout cookies, and a 2-liter of Pepsi.  It was definitely a weekend of heavenly bliss, especially when I considered what was ahead…Purgatory!  I consider it Purgatory because I wasn’t going to be too hard on myself, so therefore it wasn’t going to be like my other diets…HELL.  But then again, I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy life like the ‘naturally’ thin people, so it wasn’t going to be Heaven either.

I woke up early Monday morning.  It was about 6am.  I looked at the clock, and rolled over and went right back to sleep.  After much contemplation and debate within my mind, I decided that Thursday, my day off wasn’t going to be a good day to start the workout, and there was no time like the present.  So, at 8:10am I dragged myself out of bed and put on the exercise gear.  This consisted of just a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt.  I took two Metabo-life pills and headed out the door for my early morning walk.  It was gorgeous.  I was able to get a steady gait going. I looked up at the beautiful, clear, blue skies, smiled as I passed the cars busily on their way to their destinations. I listened to the birds chirping and singing, and then I lit up my morning ‘fag’ so I could breathe in some fresh air while on my journey.  I even hummed a little ditty as I walked my ‘almost two mile’ route.  I arrived home at about 9am; I poured myself my first cup of coffee and headed into the second bedroom for the next portion of my ‘light’ workout.  I popped in a CD of 98 Degrees and began my sets of stomach crunches, bench presses, leg curls, lateral pulls, hamstring curls, and jumping jacks. God, I was feeling good!  After I finished working out, I poured myself some more coffee, lit another smoke, and headed to the shower.  I was able to work up a nice sweat so that my body was glistening in the morning sun, and I was glowing from the feeling of accomplishment.  The elation that I felt can only be compared with the feeling that the orca must have felt when he jumped the wall in ‘Free Willy’.  I jumped my first hurdle.  If I had the soundtrack to that movie, it would have been blaring! 

Once in the kitchen, I pulled the bag of carrots out of the fridge.  I was hungry, and although visions of Cherry Pop Tarts, pancakes, and corn-beef hash were swimming around in my head, I knew what I needed to do…peel the carrots.  I pulled out eight carrots.  I washed and peeled them, and then ate two of them on the way to work.  I had six carrots to get me through the day, and like a proud peacock I walked into work with them on display.  People would ask what was with the carrots, and I would tell them about my new diet.  I normally would only eat one meal a day, which was dinner, but I knew that I had to get my metabolism jump started in the mornings in order to burn fat.  It made sense to me that a carrot every hour or so would get the job done.  It was working.  Not only were my clothes feeling less tight, energy pumping up, but also my hands were beginning to turn orange.  I’m already a jaundice color, so turning orange wasn’t a huge worry for me.  It’s a bad sign when you go to the grocery store and get excited over the fact that you can purchase two 5lb bags of carrots for the price of one Big Mac!

Alas, all good things must come to an end.  I am an emotional eater, much like my smoking.  I eat when I’m happy.  I eat when I’m sad.  I eat when I’m angry.  I love to eat!  However, when dieting, the personal life HAS to be going well in order for me to keep focused.  And of course, what’s the first thing to happen when I begin working on myself???…STRESS!  And if there is stress, I must therefore punish myself by over-eating and not exercising!  This has been my lot for the last two weeks.  I’ve not really splurged on the food, but I have stopped exercising and eating my carrots.  Snicker bars have been my retreat, along with stuffed pork chops, macaroni and cheese, and all sorts of madness!  The days were dark and dreary; all hope was quickly fading away.  But praise “insert” (God, Allah, Buddha, Michael Jackson, Brad Pitt, Madonna…whatever your preference) I received a sign!  I saw the light that would bring me back to the right path.

Walking back from making a phone call last Friday night, I saw something that I never expected to see living in the heart of downtown Phoenix.  There in my front yard, quietly sitting as if not disturbed by the noise of a big city, was a furry, brown, long-eared bunny rabbit!  With jubilation I called out for Duran, my other half, to come and see this sight!  He didn’t hear me.  So, I ran into the house, told him of this miracle and then made my way to the kitchen to grab…a carrot!  When I had went back outside, the rabbit ran behind the brick wall outside of our house.  I broke the carrot into three pieces and dropped them from where I stood.  He hungrily grabbed each piece and ate them up like Whitney on crack. I realized then that the carrots provided me with strength, hope, the answer to my prayers, and my daily dose of vitamin C.  I had to find my way back!

I’m happy to report that although I have not returned to my exercises as of yet, I have reconciled with my carrots. I have also welcomed lettuce, onions, tomatoes, cucumbers, and green peppers into the fold. I now not only eat carrots as my nightly snack; I have also included them with my morning salads.  My inner ‘thin’ self is growing stronger and desiring to become more apart of my every day life.  He is tired of hiding in the ‘closet’ and is ready to break free from the handcuffs of heftiness.

Flabaggedon will be overcome, and the thousand years of peaceful thinness will rule!  Nevermore shall not there be an abundance of poundage, nor shall fat become fab.  Carnie Wilson will rule with an iron fist and a stapled stomach, and all shall live in peace and happiness forever more.