by Caitlyn Hallman
It’s time for the revolution. It’s time for the world to finally rise up. It’s time for everyone to let the massive greeting card companies know that we’re not going to be their lackeys any longer. It’s time to show that we are not going to celebrate a day simply because they bid us to. It’s time to prove that we are more than just docile consumers. It’s time to throw away all those hearts, cupids, and love-birds. It’s time to do away with St. Valentine’s Day.
Has anyone ever truly had a good Valentine’s Day? No one to my knowledge has. How is it possible to? Whether you are part of a couple or a singleton, the mere existence of the holiday has set you straight on the course for misery. For those in a couple, the day puts you on the spot. You are forced to prove your love and devotion, and given the pressure you are bound to fail. Whatever type of romantic gesture you make, it will never be enough, and you will both feel disappointed.
Things aren’t all that rosy for singles either. If you are an unattached person, you probably feel bad enough about this already. You need a whole day reinforcing the fact that you are all alone in the world about as much as you need a hole in the head. (Of course, there are the few single-and-loving-it types who manage to pull regularly and who never think about settling down. They probably enjoy Valentine’s Day. It gives them good chat-up lines in bars. But they are in the minority.
So what is the rest of the human race supposed to do? Are we supposed to mildly sit by and let a day terrorize and bully us for our entire natural lives, or should we rather take action and do away with the cursed day? Should we continue to live in misery or should we replace St. Valentine’s Day with a better holiday?
Yes, a better holiday, one that excludes no one and that we can all relax and enjoy. I propose that from this year on, St. Valentine’s Day no longer exists in favor of Caitlyn and Amanda Day. Caitlyn and Amanda Day will be a celebration of the existence of everyone favorite kittens, Caitlyn and Amanda. Someday there will be military parades and fireworks in our honor, but for now we are going to start with small commemorative gestures.
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| NO! Don't send one of these... | ...Send one of THESE! |
Why is Caitlyn and Amanda Day a preferable alternative to Valentine’s Day? It’s simple, because you don’t have to be romantic if you don’t want to be. Caitlyn and Amanda Day is about being nice to Caitlyn and Amanda, and not about being in love. (Although if you do happen to be in love with either Caitlyn or Amanda, or indeed both of them, that is perfectly understandable. They are rather irresistible.) Anyone can participate in it, whether you are married, single or otherwise. It’s not about forced expressions, but rather genuine tokens of esteem.
- Send links of Kittens in Underpants to everyone in your email address book telling them how it is the greatest site you have ever seen and how they have to check it out to.
- Petition your local councilman or congressman (if you live Stateside) to declare Caitlyn and Amanda Day an official bank holiday.
- Organize a Caitlyn and Amanda Day costume party. All your friends have to dress up as either Caitlyn or Amanda.
- Write Caitlyn and Amanda letters declaring your undying love for them.
- Make Caitlyn and Amanda compilation CD’s with all their favorite songs on.
- Plan a trip for Caitlyn and Amanda to go to South America.
- Do all of Caitlyn and Amanda’s homework for them.
- Send Caitlyn and Amanda a singing telegram.
- Arrange for a private serenade by Robbie Williams for Caitlyn, and a private dance lesson with Antonio Banderas for Amanda.
- Buy Caitlyn and Amanda loads of chocolates.
- Take Caitlyn and Amanda out for dinner, or at least, for drinks.
- Become the financier of a new West End production of Evita starring both Caitlyn and Amanda as the Eva Perons.
- Take Caitlyn and Amanda shopping for pretty things.
- Change the lyrics of every single pop song ever written and make them about Caitlyn and Amanda.
- Prank call everyone in the KIU foe section.
However, these are just suggestions; feel free to invent your own way to mark the day. The only essential thing to remember is that in whatever why you choose to celebrate, it must include an act of kindness towards either Caitlyn or Amanda, but preferably both.
Let’s put Cupid out of business and reclaim February 14th for ourselves. Together we can do it.
