Celebrity Love

By Caitlyn Hallman

There are many forms of love, not just romantic love, although that is the highest profile love.  There is parental love, friendship love, sibling love, love of pets, but by far the most underrated kind of love is celebrity love.  Part romantic love, part god-like adoration, part stalker-esque obsession, and part ravenous lust, celebrity love can be as whirl-wind, as heady, and as exciting as the first days of a “real” romance, but it has one added advantage: you won’t get your heart broken.  (That is as long as you don’t take the stalking part seriously and start sending the celebrity in question obscene letters.  That will end in both heartbreak and a restraining order).  Celebrity love is easy to manage.  You never have to have one of those “where-is-our-relationship-heading” talks.  You never have any arguments.  You never have to attend a football match, a theatre performance, go to a stupid movie, or do anything else that you think is dull and torturous just because your loved one enjoys it.  Plus, loving a celebrity from afar adds a thrill to watching a movie or listening to a new CD.  You have a feeling of personal investment in that celebrity’s work.  If it is good, it’s because they have had the support of excellent fans such as yourself, and if it sucks, it is obviously because you were not with them to provide personal inspiration.

Now that I have convinced you to fall in love with a celebrity, the only thing left for you to decide is who to be in love with.  This is trickier than it seems at first.  There is nothing worse than being in love with a celebrity loser.  I should know, because I was in love with Chris O’Donnell for nearly five years during junior high and high school.  During that time I watched him transform from total unknown, to that guy who plays Robin in the latest Batman flick, to an obscure where-are-they-now.  None of my friends could understand why I was wasting my time with such a no-talent.  In order for you, dear reader, not to experience such embarrassment as I once did, here is a list of five celebrities I love, who are all top-drawer, and who you should love too.

1. Robbie Williams – How anyone can resist the charms of Mr. Williams is beyond me.  The prince of Brit-pop, Robbie is cheekily handsome with his broad smile and mischievous glint in his eyes.  Both in personality and song lyrics, Robbie balances the urbane sophistication of Cole Porter with the low-level comedy of Benny Hill.  But best of all is Robbie’s bad boy, rebel image.  He has done every drug known to man, drank enough alcohol to fill the Atlantic Ocean, and has even shagged the likes of Nicole Kidman and Gerri Halliwell.  But despite all his bad behavior, Robbie really wants to be a “Better Man.”  He is in rehab, after surrendering drugs and drink, and what he really wants now, according to his best friend, Jonathon Wilkes, is the love of a good woman (I think the editor of this publication would be an excellent candidate for this position), only that will keep him away from his old wild ways.

2. Kate Winslet – Beautiful and fiercely talented (she was the youngest woman ever to be nominated for two Oscars), Ms. Winslet has defied Hollywood convention at every turn.  After making the mega-blockbuster Titanic, Kate shunned offers for starring roles in bigger budgeted movies to concentrate on independent films and character parts.  She is a famous advocate for showing “real body shapes” on the screen (her lovely curves certainly provide an elegant defense for this).  She never shies away from taking on difficult parts (Did you see how peed on-screen in Holy Smoke and she was naked at the same time?!).  And now that she is recently divorced, there is hope for all of us (hey, her first husband was a nobody too!).

3. Ewan McGregor – Why should you love Ewan? Because he is cool.  He lives on a level of cool mere mortals can never dream of achieving.  He races motorcycles.  He plays guitar in a band.  He has a mohawk.  He knows how to use a lightsabre.  He is always in the hippest films: Trainspotting, Moulin Rouge, Velvet Goldmine, just to name a few.  And if that wasn’t enough he can sing and dance!  Yet despite all this street credibility, he remains incredibly humble.  Oh, how sweet!

4. Orlando Bloom – “Who is Orlando Bloom?” you ask.  You won’t be asking that question for much longer.  Why?  Because Orlando has a role in not one, but two current blockbusters.  Not only is he in Blackhawk Down (with Ewan) but he also plays Legolas in The Lord of the Rings (which basically guarantees that he will star in two more blockbusters).  Orlando is as boyishly cute as Leonardo DiCarprio ever was, but with smoldering dark eyes and a mohawk (yes, I find mohawks sexy, so?).  To top it all of, he did all his own archery in The Lord of Ring films.  How manly!

5. David Gray – Best known for his hit song “Babylon,” David Gray is the new king of folk music.  With a Dylan-esque voice, beautiful lyrics (“Won’t you kiss me on that midnight street/ sweep me off my feet/ singing ain’t this life so sweet,” - yes, David, won’t you?), and the most head-bops while playing guitar since The Beatles, David has been the darling of folk music aficionados for over ten years now.  U2’s Bono was quoted as saying that David’s CD, White Ladder, made him “want to live.”  He has written some of the most romantic love songs I have ever heard, and speaking from personal experience (I met him last summer) he is as cute as a button and extremely polite.  What’s not to love?

Okay, so now that you know what’s what and who’s who, get out there and starting lovin’.