Yes, I was living the life. What more could I have asked? I had a friend, a lover, a maid, a cook, a mechanic, and a decorator all wrapped in one. If I had a mansion and a little bit more money, okay ALOT more money, then even Cher would have been envious. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

And why is that? Why must all good things come to an end? Who determined that Universal Law? Can it be petitioned? All I know is that there definitely needs to be some amendments to the stupid law! Good things should continue forever. One should never have to go without. Okay, let's be honest, it's not the Universal Law that's the problem, it's humanity's interference. The Universe is good, but it's our inferior actions that are responsible for bringing about the negative circumstances in which we may find ourselves. Some call it "Karma", others use the Christian saying, "You reap what you sow", and then there are those who feel like they don't deserve good things so they self-sabatoge themselves. These find some kind of pleasure in wallowing in their misery. It's a little sado-masochist. Of course, there are those who can't recognize a good thing even if it was dressed to the nines, black hair, blue eyes, rippled with muscles, with his ten-inch slapping them in the face. (Fantasy break...let's pause for this gay moment.)

Back to what I was saying, life was 'fagtabulous' for awhile, but then it all started to come undone.

The 'fagtabulous' began turning into the 'wretched' when I began to take inventory of my life. I began to resent the fact that I was working every day, getting my paycheck at the end of the week, and it was gone by the middle of the next week. I began to resent the fact that after working my eight hours, sometimes nine or ten, I would have to come home and have this unspoken expectation to entertain Duran because he was "bored" all day and had nothing to do. I resented that I was only getting three or four hours of sleep every night, while Duran the night owl was taking naps during the day while watching his soaps. I was becoming jealous, envious, and angry that Duran seemed to have this cushion life and I was working to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our back. What really began to upset me was when Duran acted as though I really didn't do much, and that he could do better without me. He has even told me at times that I was holding him back from having better things. Which, if it was true, then why stay with me? I know why, because it isn't true. Of course, he uses the reasoning that because he loves me he stays with me. He says that he wants to help me and be supportive of me, all the while he's draining the life out of me.

In Duran's life, I was just becoming a contributor. Not only was I giving him money, but his ex-lover/best friend was giving him money as well. And I don't know who else was giving him money, but I know there were others. Duran would come home with clothes. He has come home with a VCR, televisions, radios, fans, and various things for which I know he had no way that he could have paid. This really pissed me off. Why was I working so hard and going broke if there were others out there who were willing to pay for Duran's life? When we would argue, Duran would use the fact that his furniture was in the house and it was his television or so forth. I would just look at him with a confused look and state, "If I wasn't spending so much money on you driving my car around wasting my gas running your friends around who had no names...if I wasn't taking you out every night buying you drinks, or giving him money every day so that he could go do things and not be bored...then I would have the money to get furniture or other appliances. However, paying rent, electric, phone, insurance, the car payment, food, and a list of other things drains one's checking account dry!" I had even debated getting a second job. How insane was I???

I finally decided it was time for Duran to start working. I didn't need him to cook me dinner or take care of the apartment. I could do those things fine on my own. If we were going to be partners, then he needed to take care of his financial part, and I would gladly do more house chores. I began hinting to Duran, "Maybe it's time for you to start working?" I wasn't nagging about it, but tried to encourage him. I would talk about the trips we could take if we had more money coming in, the things we could do, and even the possibilities of settling down and buying a house. Duran would get all excited about it with me and agree that it was what he wanted as well.

This began a series of jobs that lasted for maybe only a month or two. What I found strange, and I must admit something that I overlooked for a long time, is the fact that I never saw a paycheck. I have found check stubs here and there for a job that he did maintain for about eight months back in the year of 2001, but I have not seen any before or since. Yet, I am suppose to believe that he has been working and that he purchased my computer and the furniture that we once had by putting them on lay-away...I'm sure with somebody else's money. Do you think that I have seen any receipts for those purchases? Like I even need to answer that. I always found it interesting that Duran would call me four or five times a day at work for reasons unknown, yet when I asked for a work number to reach him, he would tell me that he didn't want me to call him while he was at work. He claims that he was afraid that if I called him he would get fired. I don't get the reasoning for that, because I don't call people to chat. I call for specific reasons. And I guess he figured I didn't need a number since I could reach him on his cell or pager. I would later find, more than once, that when I called these places that he claimed to be employed, these companies would have no idea who Duran was or which department he might work. Needless, to say, there was no job! However every night when he would pick me up from work, I would hear about how busy his day had been, and if he can work all day and not be tired, then I shouldn't be either. Gawd...the audacity!

Another thing I never could understand is why Duran had access to me 24 hours a day, but unless I paged him or called him on his cell phone, I wouldn't have any other way to get a hold of him. this was, and still is a constant issue in our relationship. Duran knew where I was every day...all day. I never went anywhere without him knowing where I was going, who I might be going with, and how long I was going to be gone. Druan, on the other hand, would say that he was going to the West Side and that he would be back in an hour...five hours later he might show back up while I was stuck at home bored out of my mind. At first, I will confess, I didn't mind him being gone, because I am a loner to a point. I like having my time to myself and not feeling like I have to keep up a conversation or that I need to entertain somebody. When Duran "bought" me my computer, it was great. I could spend hours on the computer and enjoy the friends that I was making online without any interruption from him. However, Duran turned it around and blamed me for spending too much time on the computer and that's why he would take off for such long periods of time. But that's all it was...an excuse. I gently reminded him that he was leaving me for hours BEFORE I ever had the computer. However, this was a point that was beyond his grasp. Mainly, because it was truth and Duran hates to argue truth. I was also becoming a little agitated that I was paying for the car, I was the one that paid for insurance, yet Duran was driving the car all the time. He drove me to work. He picked me up from work. He ran here and there, and everywhere. Furthermore, Duran didn't have a driver's license and was not covered by the insurance. Duran never renewed his driver's license after being pulled over for a D.U.I. early in our relationship (Clue #1) and he tried to avoid, as best he could, going to court over the situation. So, as years passed, there was a warrant put out for his arrest, which did catch up with him eventually.

Drinking. Duran drinks more than...more than...well a lot! He drinks from the time he gets up in the morning until he has crashed out in bed. He says that he drinks the weak beer, but still the amount that he consumes makes up for it. It's like water to him. I used to warn him about the effects of all the alcohol and that he should be careful since Native Americans are predisposed to alcoholism, but the warnings went by the wayside. I tolerated it for as long as I could, but over the last three years it has become more than I am willing to stand. He uses my smoking as his excuse to have his bad habit. Although he seems undeterred by the fact that I can still work, I am a competent when I drive, and not act like an arse in public falling over myself after smoking a pack of cigarettes. I did mention that truth isn't his strong point, right? After working all day, the thought of having to come home to "Intoxia" was overwhelming. He wouldn't let me drive home, so I would sit in the passenger seat gripping the side of the door wondering what was my best escape should we go under the trunk of that car. That's another thing that I don't grasp. Duran follows all the rules of the road...he drives the speed limit, sometimes under it. He never makes a U-turn. He stops at the yellow light,, pauses if it is green and proceeds with caution. He won't turn if somebody has begun walking in the cross-walk. And, he avoids the police like a pair of plaid bell-bottoms. He does everything but drive sober! Stop the MADNESS! So, I guess I do understand it...he's afraid of being pulled over. He freaks out when I drive, although I drive a lot better than he does. I've driven in Los Angeles, Chicago, Cleveland, Dallas, and across country several times, without so much as a bad look from a cop. I don't slow down and take a side street when I see a cop in front of me. I don't pull into a convenience store just because a cop pulled up behind me. Why should I have to? But Duran is always concerned about where the police are around him. It can't be the D.U.I., even if he hadn't completed everything that he was supppose to complete, the charge would have fallen off his record by now...I would think. Oh well, one would hope THAT event of getting a D.U.I. would wake a person up to reality...but not the illogical Duran.

The problem that was unfolding was that I was growing and changing. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I wanted better for myself. Duran seems to want to continue living the status quo. He's happy with how things are, and I am unsatisfied. I attempt to associate with others that inspire me to improve my current status, that cause me to want to be a better person. Duran associates with those that are like himself, yet he sees them as worse. This enables him to believe that his life is better than their lives, so he must be doing okay. I'm not content with that. I don't want to be better than anybody else, but...I want to be the best person that I can be. All I know is, water seeks its own level.

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