Eight years have come and gone since my Hispanic Hiawatha had swept me off of my feet.  All I can say is…life is better than a bowl of Fruit Loops.  It’s all Cadillac’s and caviar.  I’m talking diamonds and pearls baby!  Here…let me break it down fo ya!  Ya best git back Jack-my boi is stacked-his wick is thick-honey, you’ll scream when he pricks ya-cuz it’s all ‘bout rubbin’ and some lov’in-Sweet Sexy will git ya huff’in and puff’in-He’s the real deal-Brown Sugar’s got skills-yeah, y’know what I’m say’in, my home skillet has got it go’in on-say what playa playa, I ain’t play’in, my hottie Hiawatha works my desserts all night long!

Translation:  I’m in ‘Gay Hell’!

True, Duran and I have been together for over eight years, but it hasn’t been anything as I have described above.  However, like Bobby Brown and Whitney’s money, we have clung to this relationship, and sometimes to each other, throughout the good and bad times.  Why have we kept it together for so long?  Well, it’s beyond me.  Could it be because we are co-dependent?  Maybe we both just loathe ourselves so badly that our self-esteem is in the gutter and we figure this is the best that either one of us is going to be able to get.  Could it be that we truly love each other?  Well, I’m sure that you will decide for yourself as you read the “Canen Chronicles”, but as for me, I’m going to opt for the latter reason, simply because the others are just TOO pathetic to admit!

When I first met Duran and then as we began to date, I thought that it was going to be the most perfect relationship.  Sure…I saw signs in the beginning that made me question if a strong relationship was going to be possible.  At the same time, I knew that I wasn’t perfect either.  Everybody has flaws and faults, but love conquers all, right?  Like the song says, “if loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.”  Michael Bolton told me that “love can move mountains”, and I believed him.  Gladys Knight left on that midnight train to Georgia because she had decided that she would rather live in his world, than live without him in hers.  Then sweet Tammy Wynette couldn’t have been wrong when she sang about standing by your man.  I’m a singer.  When I sing a song, I feel that song.  When somebody sings a song with such emotion and devotion, I can’t help but buy into their message.  I believed that LOVE would make everything all right, regardless of any warning signs to “GET OUT” in the beginning.  Needless to say, I was “Hopelessly Devoted” to make this work. (Yes, I agree the last sentence WAS needless, but hey…it’s my story and it felt right!)

At this moment…it has been 8 years, 2 ½ months, 1 day, and approximately 9 hours and 36 minutes since my struggle began between the realities of my relationship and my perception of an ideal relationship.  It has been a constant battle, in which I have found that ignorance truly can be bliss, but only for awhile.  Eventually the truth of it all does catch up to you, and then you must set your ideals aside and deal with reality.  So, if you are like me and choose ignorance over truth and avoidance over confrontation, then be prepared to deal with the BIG messes that you might find yourself in, along with the eventual confrontation you’ve put off for so long.  Trust me, it is soooo much FUN!  Well, that is, if you love DRAMA!

Here is a description of my ideal relationship.  The one that I had hoped for with Duran, and at times, the one that I still hope to be possible.

Ideally: Like most people out there, I want to be with a person who appreciates me for the person that I am and supports my dreams.  I’m not looking for financial support, but emotional support.  I want a relationship that is built on trust, honesty, respect, and love.  A relationship where two people learn about each other, can openly communicate with each other, and that help each other grow, dream, and to reach their fullest potential.  I want to have the confidence that somebody always has my back.  I want a friend, a confident, a partner, and a lover.  I want to be with somebody who takes an interest in those things that are important to me. I want to be with somebody who desires the same things in life that I desire.  I want somebody that I can just be with, feel safe with, and enjoy.  I want to be with somebody who has character, personality, integrity, and who does not shirk his responsibilities. (It should also be said, that I would ‘ideally’ offer my partner the same.)

Now, that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Regardless of my little fantasy about what an ideal relationship looks like, sooner or later, Dorothy has to return to Kansas and check back into reality.  In order to do this ‘reality check’, I had to take off the kid gloves and get my hands dirty.  I couldn’t afford to look at Duran’s faults alone, but I had to be honest about my own.  This is the hardest thing that anyone can ever do.  It should be no surprise to anyone that this is a very humbling process if done with complete honesty, however it IS one I’ve been able to master over the years.  So, let me give you a little bit of Duran’s personality make-up and mine.

(First…here’s a little psychology lesson from a dabbler)

There are two types of introverts.  There is the Phlegmatic and the Melancholy.

Phlegmatic (taken from phlegm, mucus…slow moving) types tend to be quiet, neither emotionally high or low.  They like to keep things on an even keel, and can become quite stressed if their routine is interrupted.  These types are the pillars, the always dependable, and very responsible ones.  They are very detail oriented people, and fit well into occupations such as accounting.  They are considered systematic.  They count the cost before becoming involved in anything.

Melancholy (black bile, dark, brooding) types are moody, and can tend to be dark and quite susceptible to depression.  However, they are your more creative types.  You will usually find a strong grouping of melancholy people in the arts, such as writing, singing, theatre, composing, painting, and so forth.  They tend to be analytical, perfectionist, and critical of themselves, as well as others.

There are also two types of extroverts.  There is the Choleric and the Sanguine.

Choleric (yellow bile, angry) types are the in charge people.  They always see the end result, the big picture.  They see things black or white.  They do not care who they have to walk on or through to get to their desired final result.  Choleric types are driven individuals, and can tend to be work-aholics.  They don’t care for details, just the big picture.  They are the CEO’s of the world.  Besides, in his or her opinion, nobody could do a better job. 

Sanguine(blood, lively) types are always the life of the party.  They can’t wait to socialize.  These types always want to be in the middle of the crowd, and love the attention.  The don’t really care about detail, if it is fun and others are going to be involved, then they jump right in.  However, they very rarely finish anything that they start.  They join a group just to be in a group.  They tend to be very spontaneous, and can’t stand the idea of being tied to a schedule.  They never count the cost…until it’s too late.  These are the “feel good do it” people. 

Supine is a fairly new temperament that was added about ten years ago.  It’s somewhere in the middle of the introvert and extrovert temperaments. 

Supine (undetermined) types are great followers.  They can lead, but they don’t want to be at the top in the chain of command.  They take good instruction and can follow direction, although they need precise information.  They also need to be consistently reinforced that they are performing as expected. 

Most people are a mixture of at least two, if not all five.  However, we are usually dominant in one “temperament”.  Human beings are very adaptable, so we can usually adjust and navigate within our temperaments depending on the situation, but if it works against our ‘true’ personality it might cause some internal stress.

David:

My astrological sign is Cancer.  Depending on how much stock you put into astrological signs, you might be able to already tell what type of personality I am. To further explain, I am also a dominant “I” with a little “e”.  This means that I am inherently introverted with some extrovert tendencies.  I have actually been tested, and I have found that my temperaments are Melancholy/Supine.  This is why I am so introverted.  I tend to be passive/aggressive, very critical of others and myself.  Therefore, I can be judgmental at times.  I can be stubborn, and although it takes me a long time to become angry, I can hold a grudge longer than OJ’s trial.  I can become possessive and manipulative.  I am also a perfectionist. If I can’t do something really well, then I won’t do it at all.  I don’t like public places, such as beaches, parks, or huge gatherings of any kind. I’m withdrawn in social settings.  I do like to observe others, as I find it interesting how people behave towards each other and their environment, although I can’t stand the thought of somebody watching me.  I’m careful not to make a fool out of myself, so I am cautious not to draw attention to myself in social settings.  I’m sensitive, emotional, analytical, and tend to be extremely moody.  I’m quiet in most situations, as I usually will not speak until spoken to. 

It must be said, that since I’ve become aware of these behaviors, I have tried to adjust as much as possible.  I do not believe that I am a victim of my temperament.  In order to grow, one must stretch.  Stretching can sometimes make one uncomfortable, and can even be painful at times, but one can become better for trying.  Thus, I have learned that I will have less stress in the end result if I am assertive instead of passive/aggressive.  I’ve learned to let down my walls and to trust others to like me for who I am, regardless of my imperfections.  I’m cautious not to pre-judge.  If I am in a safe environment, around people I can trust, then I can ‘let my hair down’ and not worry about making a fool out of myself, or just being silly.

Duran:

Astrological sign is Gemini.  Now this made a believer out of me when it comes to astrology.  He is every bit the ‘twin’.  Duran is pretty much a dominant “E” all the way.  He does have some melancholy attributes, but his strongest temperaments are Sanguine/Choleric.  He likes to be in charge.  He doesn’t like to do anything or be anywhere that he does not have control.  His ideas are the best ideas.  There isn’t much that he doesn’t know or that he hasn’t done.  He can usually do things better than anybody else, as he admits that he is better than most people are.  He can’t turn down a party, even if he thinks that he won’t have much fun.  He’s always on the go, because he is always bored.  He doesn’t really care what other people think, unless of course it has to do with his looks.  He makes friends extremely easy.  He totally enjoys being where the people are.  He’ll talk to anyone.  At the same time, he’s extremely sarcastic and those who have just met him sometimes take this the wrong way.  He’s always starting projects and never getting them done, and details are just annoying obstacles that slow down the process of getting to where he wants to go.  He’s impatient and stubborn.  Although, he’s caring and concerned, it becomes abrasive unless you do as he tells you, because…once again, he knows what is best...especially for YOU.  He can like you one minute, then turn around and hate you the next, however he is quick to forgive and to forget, and to move on.  He’s more concerned about how things affect him and the things that he wants to do.  In essence, Duran is a DRAMA Queen!  Nothing is gray, it’s all black and white; it’s all or nothing.  Duran is always on the offense; he is the aggressor.  He can also be possessive and manipulative.

It would appear that there is some truth to the saying that “opposites attract”.   You can break these down to their simplest forms, and you would be able to see how Duran and I were drawn to each other, besides him being totally gorgeous and me being as horny as Bill Clinton at a beauty pageant.

These differences can either make a relationship stronger, or it can tear it apart.  There are definitely strengths and weaknesses in each temperament.  If each person can understand what their strengths and weaknesses are, then it enables the two to work together and compliment each other.  But, if there is no understanding between the two, there are going to be some obvious struggles and clashes.  I understand mine, as well as Duran’s, however he doesn’t have the time to learn any of this because he ‘thinks’ he already knows…EVERYTHING!  This is not to say that he doesn’t know me, because he knows me very well.  BUT… knowing does not always equal understanding.  Alas, I am Ms. Understood and I’m donning the tiara of Tribulation!

Despite all the warning signs and the seemingly ever-growing gap between our similarities and differences, I saw something in Duran that made me believe that this was with whom I would spend the rest of my life.  I see in him the man that he can be, and this is what I hope to see someday in my reality.  Whether or not I can weather the storms that may lie ahead is whole other thing, but it won’t be because I didn’t give it my best shot.  As I have said before, if I’m not good at something I won’t do it.  I would like to think that I could make a relationship work.  I have been more than willing to ‘stand by my man’, however…I also remember that Tammy Wynette shortly thereafter followed up that hit with “D-I-V-O-R-C-E”.

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