For those of you who have yet to encounter Lancelot and Serge, here’s a quick run-down; Lancelot and Serge are my revolting cats, obnoxious liars who spend their every waken hour trying to persuade anyone who’ll listen to them (telepathically) that ‘they’ were at the vanguard of every important art movement in the past 1,000 years.

Lancelot & Gothic = Horror.

Lancelot reckons that it was he who inspired Gothic architecture. Claiming to have been a mouser chez Abbot Suger circa 1130, Lancelot says that it was the height, dimension and general ‘pointiness’ of his own ears that inspired the architects of the day to ‘go Gothic.’

Interestingly, although this is one of his more outrageous lies (not to mention an insult to intelligence, including his own), there is a certain similarity between St. Peter’s Cathedral, Cologne and Lancelot’s ears.

Lancelot also produced evidence based upon words concerning Medieval architecture which sound a bit like his name: LANCET - Tall, narrow, sharply pointed window in Gothic architecture.  He also says that he is called Lancelot ‘cuz it’s medieval and so it proves it.’  This comment is as baffling as it is no doubt asinine, and I have never even bothered calling him on it.

Serge (black with white bits) has heard the Lancelot/Gothic tale every time that ears/spires are mentioned, and has chosen to remain mute on the subject.

I wish he had exercised a similar wisdom regarding to his alleged association with Manet.  According to Serge, the cat on the end of Olympias bed is (you guessed it) him. ‘But,’ I hear you cry, Olympia’s cat has no white nose triangle! How can it be Serge?! (And how can it be Serge ANYWAY?! The painting was executed 129 years before Serge was even BORN!)  Don’t think that you’re the first to ask him this; his stock answer never varies.  The reason Serge’s ‘trademark’ white nose triangle is missing is because Manet had run out of white paint (he’d used it all up on the bed linen).  The great artist, when realizing his lack of ‘white,’ put on his top hat and dashed to the door of his studio.  Serge, however, dissuaded him from going out into the pelting rain (by acting particularly ‘cute’ and adopting his ‘lolling-on-his-side’ position), and told his master (telepathically) that it would be best if Olympia’s cat were left ‘all black.’  Serge felt quite strongly about this, believing as he did that to add an area of highlight to the right of the picture plane would upset the chromatic balance.  Not only that, but Serge hates it when ANYONE goes out - and Eduoard Manet was no exception.

As to the second part of the question (‘How can it be ‘you’ when you weren’t even born then?’) Serge does what all cat’s do when caught lying; he pretends he hasn’t heard.  Cats only hear what they WANT to hear; everyone knows that.

Serge also claims that it was he who inspired Manet’s Dejeuner Sur L’Herbe.  Lancelot and Serge are ‘indoor only’ cats, and (because they are stupid) they haven’t figured out that it’s only ME who won’t allow them outside and that their so-called FORMER owners (Picasso, Boccioni, Manet, etc) probably WOULD have. 

With this in mind, Serge pretends that Manet wouldn’t let him go outside, either (but that Serge didn’t mind too much because Manet gave him loads of cheese and strokes (his two favourite things) and called him his ‘Petit Bonhomme.’)  One day, however, the ‘Poetry of Desire’ became too much for the moggie, and he escaped through an open window into Manet’s garden, where Serge (expert hunter that he claims to be) immediately caught a bird and began chomping on it.

When Manet glanced out of the window and saw his beloved pet sitting there in the middle of the garden - a place where he should NOT have been - eating his lunch and staring at him defiantly, Manet suddenly seized his paintbrush!  The insolent stare, the oddly ‘outdoor’ setting and the lunch all contributed to Manet’s Dejeuner Sur L’Herbe, the painting that arguably saw the dawning of ‘Modern Art.’

And it’s all thanks to Serge.

What a LIAR!

Come back next time, when you’ll hear of one of Lancey and Serge’s most famous battles; debate turned to bloodshed this discussion;  which is more comfortable to sit on; a Louis XIV chez-lounge (Lancelot) or a wooden Bauhaus chair (Serge - who ELSE!)